


Is It Madness?

by GayRainbowBridge



Series: Madness Series [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BAMF Sif (Marvel), Blood and Violence, Book 1, Escape, Father/Son Incest, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Torture, Imprisonment, Injury Recovery, Insanity, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, M/M, Murder, OC, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prisoner Loki (Marvel), Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Thor is a Good Bro (Marvel), Tony Stark Has A Heart, Villain OC - Freeform, only because the dad is a bastard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:54:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 19
Words: 25,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28333455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayRainbowBridge/pseuds/GayRainbowBridge
Summary: After the attack on New York Loki is imprisoned in Asgard for over a year. He has no visitors from anyone, not even guards and his Brother is forbidden to see him. One night, when Fandral walks down the wrong corridor on guard patrol, he is shocked by what he finds.
Relationships: Fandral/Loki (Marvel)
Series: Madness Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2075349
Comments: 35
Kudos: 63





	1. Chapter 1

It has been over a year since the battle of New York. Since Loki, the god of Mischief and Lies has been imprisoned. It wasn't a harsh sentence, considering what he'd done. Most of the Asgaurdians thought he had gotten off easy considering how many lives were taken on Midgard. They all thought he had gotten a lesser punishment as he was the King's son, adopted or no. They thought that the King had gone soft for the young prince.

But little did they know the fallen prince would rather have taken death than imprisonment. He had thought that the worst punishment was death. But he had been wrong. If he had the choice of imprisonment or death now, he would have picked death in a heartbeat.

But no one knew that. No one ever thought of the prince anymore. He had almost been forgotten by the people of Asgard as everyone had been forbidden to see him. Not even guards were allowed to walk past the gods cell. There were no other prisoners kept where Loki was. Even Thor had been forbidden to see his Brother which had led to two weeks of thunderstorms but Odin was unrelenting. The young prince was slowly being forgotten.

"You fight like a girl, Sif!" Fandral shouted.

"That's because I am a girl you twat and I believe I fight better than you. Meaning, you just called yourself a girl," Sif smirked at the blond.

"Touché," Fandral nodded with a mocking bow. "Forgive me my lady?!"

Sif snorted, shaking her head and attacked him.

Thor smiled good naturedly. "Careful Fandral. If you insult her too much she might castrate you to deflate that ego of yours."

"No! Not my manhood!" Fandral cried dramatically covering his private area.

Sif grinned in a way that Fandral actually feared that she had taken that seriously.

Next moment she had swept his feet from under him making him fall onto his back knocking the wind out of him. Sif stood over him, sword at his throat with a smirk.

"Yield."

Fandral held up his hands in defeat. Thor chuckled. "The great Lady Sif wins again!"

"But of course!" Fandral exclaimed, taking the hand Hogun offered him and was pulled to his feet. "No one could ever defeat the mighty Sif but you Thor!"

"To be fair, I have never one against her without Mjolnir," Thor said, looking at Sif with a wry smile. "I still have yet to defeat her in that particular combat."

"Ah well, perhaps one day?" Fandral told him, clapping him on his shoulder.

"I'm starving! Let's eat!" Volstagg proclaimed.

"Is that all that goes through your mind? Food?" Sif asked the large man.

Volstagg shrugged. "Well, no. Of course not. Hot ladies also go through my mind from time to time," he admitted.

The other men chuckled as Sif shook her head with a slight smile playing at her lips.

"Come my friend! Let us feast for such good training then," Thor said, heading back to the castle as the others followed.

Just as they arrived a guard came up to Fandral and whispered something in his ear that made him scowl. Thor noticed.

"What is it my friend?" Thor asked as the guard left. "You didn't look too happy with whatever that guard said."

Fandral sighed as he sat down at the dining table. "I have guard duty down in the dungeons tonight."

"Ah yes. Guard duty is rather dull isn't it?" Hogun said, giving Fandral a smile.

"Mm. All the prisoners do is glare and shout insults. Quite annoying to be honest," Fandral frowned at the thought of another night of watching the rowdy prisoners.

Thor glanced at Fandral, a careful and curious look on his face. "You haven't by any chance to have seen...to have seen Loki have you?"

Everyone went quiet, the light chatter going down at the mention of the dark prince's name.

Fandral grimaced as he turned to look at Thor apologetically. "I have not, I'm afraid. I know not of what prison cell he is kept. Even if I did, it would not matter as everyone is forbidden to see him. It would be breaking the law if I went against our Kings wishes to go see him, if I did know."

Thor looked crestfallen. "I see. You'll let me know of any news of him, yes?"

"Of course, Thor," Fandral reassured him. "I would never withhold information about Loki from you."

"I heard he was tortured," Hogun said suddenly, which earned him a glare from the other's. "What? It's true. I have overheard some guards saying that the All Father has been ordering people to whip Loki."

"Watch your tongue! My Father would never do anything of the sort! Yes, Loki has done some horrible things but my Father would never go as far as torture him. He may be adopted but Father still loves him as a son adopted or not," Thor said defensively, scowling at Hogun who merely shrugged at Thor's annoyance for the accusation.

"To be completely honest Thor, I too heard that Loki was actually killed and that is the real reason why no one is allowed to visit him," Volstagg said, not meeting Thor's glare.

"I will not even consider that! I would know if he was dead or not," Thor growled even though he didn't look a hundred percent sure. But no. Father would never do that.

"I do not say these things to try and hurt you. Just to let you know of the rumours that have been going around," Volstagg said gently.

Fandral looked down. "Do not worry, Thor. If I hear even a single word of Loki, I will let you know."

Thor nodded sadly. "Thank you."

Fandral sighed. "Well, I better head off. I'll see you all tomorrow."

The others said their goodbyes to Fandral as he headed down to the dungeons. He had only been doing patrol for a few months and all the dungeon corridors had little to no pattern to them and were rather confusing.

So it didn't take him long before he was helplessly lost.

He walked from one corridor to another even asking prisoners for assistance, but of course they were no help, just being rude and insulting because they had nothing better to do and were sore losers.

Fandral turned down another corridor and found that it held no prisoners in any of the cells. They all seemed to be completely empty. Strange.

Fandral walked down the corridor glancing in each cell for prisoners but there were none. There was no one there.

Until there was.

He noticed one of the cells had furniture in it but most of it seemed broken. There was someone laying in the bed. Someone with long black hair and pale skin.

The person was seemingly talking to themselves. Fandral instantly recognised the voice.

"Loki?!"


	2. Chapter 2

Loki sat up and looked over at the sound of the voice. Fandral's stomach lurched and feared for a second that he might throw up.

Loki's face was covered in dried blood and cuts. He was too thin to be allowed and was really pale almost like a ghost. He looked as if he were seconds away from death. His arms were littered in cuts and dried blood as well that Fandral didn't even want to know how they got there.

He wore only a long sleeves green shirt that was rolled up to his elbows and had plain black pants on but it was dirty, bloody and torn. His hair was a dirty tangled mess. He was also barefoot, feet stepping on the glass on the ground.

Everything around him was completely destroyed. Glass littered the floor. Chairs and tables were broken in splinters. The books pages had been torn out of the covers and ripped to pieces. There was blood smeared all over the walls and floor, some in the shapes of foot or hand prints.

The only thing really intact was a small bed in the corner of the cell that had a dirty pillow and a very thin and small blanket that didn't look as if it could protect anyone from the cold.

But the worst part about it was when Loki looked up at Fandral, his eyes were glazed with not just pain and fear but something that Fandral couldn't quite place. Or at least couldn't place until Loki's face split into an unnerving grin. He giggled at Fandral as if he had done something really funny even though Fandral was standing there frozen, looking at him in horror.

"Guard. Guard down my corridor. Nope, nope. Don't come down my corridor," Loki eyed Fandral. "Hm, wonder what the guard is doing down my corridor? Never down my corridor they go. Nope, nope." He giggled again, his eyes glazed.

Fandral realised what the glazed look meant. He knew what was wrong with him.

Loki was insane.

"No talk? Don't talk. Nope. No one talks to Loki anymore. Nope, nope. No one ever comes down my corridor. Why is the guard suddenly down my corridor?" Loki looked at Fandral sizing him up. "Are you real?"

Fandral started as he realized that Loki wasn't talking to himself now, but him. "W-what?"

"You real? You fake? You a hallucination? You an illusion? But you can't be. Can't cast illusions outside cell. Nope can't. You can't be fake. Can you?" Loki rambled, staring at Fandral, his eyes slightly wide so they resembled large circles.

Most of what Loki had said had made no sense to Fandral but he got the gist of it. He was asking if Fandral was actually there or if he was imagining things.

Fandral swallowed. It was unnerving to see Loki like this. How had he even become like this? How did he get covered in blood? It was obviously his own but how had it happened?

"I-I'm real, yes," Fandral stuttered out quickly.

Loki's eyes went even wider. "No, no. Can't be. No one comes down here. Not allowed. No one is allowed to visit. You came and visit?" A small almost shy smile appeared on Loki's face as he stared at Fandral with wonder.

"Oh um, I went down the wrong corridor I think," Fandral said, pointing to the place he had entered from. He instantly regretted saying it when he saw Loki's disheartened expression.

"Mistake?" Loki seemed sad now as his smile fell and looked down at the ground. "Didn't come to see me," he mumbled to himself as if Fandral wasn't there.

It wasn't a question but a statement.

Fandral felt his heart clench painfully. He hated the pained, fearful look in Loki's dulled green eyes.

"You leaving?" Loki said suddenly, snapping Fandral from his thoughts. Loki was staring at him again but it was different. It seemed desperate, like he knew Fandral would leave him but didn't want him to in the slightest. He looked terrified and Fandral couldn't figure out why.

"Do you want me to?" Fandral asked, even though he knew the answer.

Loki violently shook his head. "No, no. Don't want you to. Would never. But...you will? You will. I know you will."

Fandral felt a mix of emotions but suddenly the strongest one was guilt. He couldn't very well just leave Loki. He couldn't leave and pretend he had never seen him. Not that he could. He had a distinct feeling that he was going to have nightmares about this encounter. But he would have to leave at some point. He couldn't stay.

"I don't want to," Fandral said eventually which, to be fair, was only half true. He did want to stay, maybe try and help Loki he wasn't sure. But at the same time he wanted to get as far away as possible until he was in a better mind to process this all. Staring at the blood splattered room of Loki's cell wasn't helping his queasiness go away.

Loki looked surprised for a moment before narrowing his green eyes. The change was so sudden that Fandral wasn't prepared for it at all. "No you don't. You want to leave. I know it. Crazy, not stupid."

Fandral was surprised at the last statement. So Loki actually realised he was mentally damaged somehow. Of course he did. He was Loki. But now Loki seemed frustrated and angry as he glared daggers at Fandral.

"Guilt. Guilt keeps him here. For now. Not for much longer. Don't matter. Too damaged. Don't matter." Loki was talking to himself again.

"Loki, I-"

"Leave."

"What?" Fandral didn't want to leave him. He didn't know what was happening or what had happened but he knew that leaving wasn't going to help Loki at all. But the next second he didn't have a choice.

"LEAVE!" Loki screamed at him and Fandral jumped at the sheer volume of Loki's voice. He never knew Loki could scream that loud but he was sure it would likely carry down the corridor and alert the other guards.

Inside the cell something behind Loki was thrown at the wall by some invisible force and smashed to pieces. Loki didn't even flinch, just glared at Fandral making him wonder if the barrier to the cell could actually hold Loki if he were to use his powers to throw something at it. Because the invisible force was obviously his magic there was no doubt. The thing that terrified him however, was the fact that Loki couldn't control his magic in his rage and anger.

Fandral eyes went wide and before he could change his mind, he turned and ran back the way he came. But he knew he would eventually come back forbidden or not.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: indications of rape

It was the next day, around lunch. Once again, after a hard training exercise they had all stopped to get a bite. Mostly because Volstagg had been whining about it and none of them wanted to listen to Volstagg complain about his stomach growling.

"Fandral my friend, are you all right?"

Fandral started, looking up from his plate to meet Thor's concerned eyes. "P-pardon?" He asked, cursing his stuttering as he did.

"I asked if you were alright? You have seemed a bit distant of late," Thor said, blue eyes filled with worry for his friend.

"I'm fine. Just not as hungry as I thoughtI would be," he said, giving Thor an apologetic smile. He had to pay more attention. He didn't want to draw any unnecessary attention to himself.

In truth he felt as if he ate anything he might just throw it back up. He couldn't get the image of Loki bloodied and half dead looking out of his mind. He barely got any sleep after his patrol shift was over, instead laying in bed as he stared unseeing at the wall.

"Was the patrol not the best then?" Volstagg asked before taking a large bit out of some mystery meat Fandral couldn't identify.

Fandral swallowed and shook his head. "No, it wasn't."

Sif's eyebrows knitted together with concern. "What happened? Were the prisoners acting up?"

"No, nothing like that. I just...got lost," Fandral decided. He remembered his promise to Thor to tell him of any word of his Brother. But he just couldn't bring himself to do it. He couldn't tell Thor what had become of Loki. How he was alone in a cell away from the other prisoners with only his mind keeping him company. At least until it broke.

The loneliness. The loneliness is what broke it no doubt. He didn't even know how to explain the blood all over him, all over his face and body. Or how starved he looked. As if he had not been fed since he'd been locked in that cell.

Fandral didn't know how to explain any of that to Thor. Surely the truth would only hurt the older prince. Especially since there was nothing he could do.

"The dungeon corridors are rather hard to navigate aren't they?" Volstagg said. "How did you find your way back?"

"I just retrace my footsteps and eventually found my way back," Fandral said truthfully. He didn't want to think of what would have happened if another guard had found him near Loki's cell. He wondered if they even knew. Probably not. But since he had found his own way back, he also knew exactly where Loki's cell was which was both exciting and terrifying. He could go back, but would he? He didn't know. It didn't matter. He didn't have guard duty tonight.

Fandral left saying he wanted to catch up on some sleep since he'd had patrol the other night.

But by the time he had gotten to his room and was lying on the bed he was still wide awake. He couldn't sleep. He couldn't stop thinking about Loki. Why did it bother him so much? Loki was a prisoner. He'd killed innocent people. He shouldn't care! Should he?

He knew he would go back. Whether he liked it or not, he would.

Fandral sighed, sitting up. He might as well go now. He wasn't gonna get any sleep tonight if he didn't go. He just had to be careful. If another guard saw him down there they would know he wasn't on guard duty. They would question him and eventually be brought before the King. He couldn't tell Odin that he was seeing Loki. He would be punished.

He snuck out his rooms down to the dungeons. Retracing his steps and avoiding guards he eventually found his way back to the familiar empty corridor.

Fandral hid behind a pillar glancing around at the cell that he knew contained Loki. It hadn't changed since he left except more things seemed to have been thrown around it.

For a moment he thought that Loki was gone because he didn't see him. He panicked thinking Loki had escaped somehow but didn't think that he really could with his mental state. He spotted him, fast asleep on the bed with that small blanket pulled over his body. His eyes were closed and he looked rather peaceful. It was so different from Loki a few years ago.

Fandral thought that maybe he should leave. He didn't want to disturb him. Loki looked like hell when he saw him yesterday. Not that he looked much better. He still had dried blood all over him. But at least he was resting.

Then it turned sour real fast. The first thing was a small whimpering whine. Loki's face scrunched up, his eyebrows furrowed. He frowned in his sleep, another whimper leaving him. He was having some sort of nightmare. Fandral was shocked because he never knew Loki had nightmares, but then realised that Loki wasn't in a great mental state.

Whatever the nightmare was, it looked like it was getting worse. Loki's breathing hitch and uttered a soft, 'no', under his breath. His tone was fearful and he shifted uncomfortably face screwed up in fear. His breathing was coming out in short breaths. Fandral was half tempted to go up to the cell and try to wake Loki up, but there was a sudden flash of green light close to Loki.

A person appeared. Another Loki. Fandral stared at it. What the heck?!

'You real? You fake? You a hallucination? You an illusion?'

An Illusion! That's what it was. Loki was known to cast illusions to trick people. But Fandral didn't know Loki could do it while he slept. Though, he didn't think that Loki was doing it on purpose.

The illusions Loki glanced at the real Loki, a small frown appearing on its face.

Then another person appeared. Fandral felt like he knew this person though he didn't remember exactly who. They had dark ash brown hair and gray eyes.

Gray Eyes looked first at the fake Loki who had knelt down next to the real Loki with a worried look. He then looked at the fake Loki and smirked. He grabbed fake Loki's arm yanking him away from the real Loki. Fake Loki yelped looking around at Gray Eyes. Gray Eyes smirked even more when he saw fear seep into fake Loki's face.

Fake Loki pulled his arm out of Gray Eyes hand backing away from him. Gray Eyes advanced staring at fake Loki hungrily.

Fandral wanted to stop whatever was about to happen, but he had a feeling this had already happened. It was like Loki was reliving a memory.

Fake Loki's back hit the wall. He whimpered and Fandral also heard real Loki whimper from the bed.

Gray Eyes reached out running a finger down the side of fake Loki's face. Fake Loki shuddered, turning his face away. Gray Eyes didn't like that. He gripped the fake Loki's chin making him face him. Gray Eyes pushed his leg between fake Loki's, rubbing his knee into fake Loki's groin. Fake Loki moaned involuntarily a blush spreading across his cheeks.

Fandral could tell by the fake Loki's body language that he didn't want this. He was stiff and wouldn't look at Gray Eyes. He was trying to get Gray Eyes to let him go but Gray Eyes wouldn't let him. He leaned forward and pressed his lips forcefully to fake Loki's, continuing to rub his knee into fake Loki's privates. The fake Loki made a muffled cry of protest but it was swallowed by the brutal kiss.

When Gray Eyes pulled away, fake Loki was gasping for breath, his bottom lip bleeding where the other man had bitten into it. Gray Eyes let him go with a smirk. The fake Loki didn't move, looking at Gray Eyes fearfully.

"Run," Fandral muttered quietly. "What are you standing there for? Run!"

But the fake Loki didn't. He stood there as Gray Eyes reached down, placing his hand on his stomach and slowly moving downwards, lower and lower.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: indications of rape, sexual assault, strong language, strong violence⚠️

Fandral couldn't stand it. He didn't want to watch anymore. He was close to throwing up. This was just sick. He had to stop it.

He raced out from behind the pillar, up to the cell barrier. "Stop!" He yelled, hitting the barrier.

Gray Eyes didn't seem to hear him, nor did he stop moving his hand down.

"I said stop! Stop!" Fandral tried again.

But he didn't stop.

Fandral realised the illusions must not hear him. It probably wasn't even aware of his existence. He looked over at the real Loki still asleep on the bed, whimpering and thrashing.

"Loki! Loki, wake up! Come on Loki, you have to wake up!" Fandral shouted towards the sleeping raven.

Loki eyelids flickered but didn't wake.

Gray Eyes reached the fake Loki's waist band. His fingers pushed inside of fake Loki's pants.

"No, no, no!" Fandral murmured, panicked. "Loki! Loki, wake up! Loki!"" He shouted. He didn't want to see this and he couldn't let Loki relive this. He had to wake him up.

The fake Loki whimpered as Gray Eyes put his entire hand into his pants. The real Loki jolted, his face showing true dread.

Then a scream tore from his lips and thrashed hard, tossing and turning in the bed, the thin blankets tangling up his legs as he struggled against something that was really in his head.

Fandral didn't want to but he looked over at the illusions.

Fandral eyes went wide.

Gray Eyes grinned evilly a knife in his left hand that he dug into fake Loki's right arm. Fake Loki was screaming in pain, blood dripping down his forearm, his eyes screwed up in pain.

That's it.

"Loki! Wake up! Wake the fuck up now!" Fandral shouted over the screaming.

The real Loki shot up like a bullet, sitting up and panting hard. He saw the illusion Loki and Gray Eyes only a few feet away and stared for a moment before both of them disappeared in a flash of green.

Fandral gave a sigh of relief which made Loki look over at him. His eyes widened in shock as he stared at Fandral.

"You? You here? Why you here?" Loki said slowly, confusion written on his face.

"I-I came to see you," Fandral said truthfully, smiling at him even though he felt rather sick.

"You...came to see me?" Loki said even slower than last time.

Fandral nodded.

Loki frowned at him. "You were spying on me. You watching me sleep."

Fandral grimaced. "I didn't mean to. I didn't think that you would be asleep. I was gonna leave but, um..."

He glanced at where the illusions had been.

Loki looked at the wall where the fake Loki had been pressed up against.

"You watching my nightmare? Not me? Just...just nightmare," Loki asked, looking back at Fandral a little unsure.

"Y-yes. I'm sorry," Fandral said sincerely.

Loki watched him with those glazed eyes before shaking his head and saying, "Don't. Accident."

Fandral breathed a sigh of relief. "Are...are you okay?" He didn't know what else to say.

Loki looked at the floor and frowned. "Depends," he said simply, which made no sense.

A look of confusion past Fandral's face. Depends? What did that mean?

"Depends on what?" Fandral asked finally.

Loki bit his lip, absent-mindedly playing with the blanket with his fingers. "Depends if you stay." He looked up at Fandral and he could see fear and desperation in his eyes.

Fandral swallowed. He wanted to stay. But he knew he couldn't stay forever.

"I can stay for a little longer?" Fandral suggested and felt his heart break slightly at the desperate nod that Loki gave, almost as if he were afraid he'd change his mind in a split second.

"Okay, sure. I can stay a little longer," Fandral said, attempting a small smile.

Loki sat up straighter, a smile spreading across his face, but it looked so pained. It hurt Fandral to see. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he wanted the other Loki back. The one that would give you a cold stare. The one that would smirk and know he was up to something. The one with that mischievous light in his eyes instead of this glazed, mad look.

He didn't want this, broken, hurt, most likely tortured shell of the Loki he used to know. He hated it. He hated it with a passion. He wanted the old Loki back.

Fandral sat near the barrier separating them. Loki cocked his head to the side, studying Fandral. Then he asked a question that shocked Fandral so much he almost choked on air.

"Do I know you?"

Fandral stared at him in shock as Loki stared back, a curious look in his eyes, almost like the old Loki. Always curious, always seeking knowledge. But that glazed look was still there.

"W-what do you mean?" Fandral stuttered. How could he not know who he was? They had been friends for years! Not the greatest of friends, but better than most.

Loki cocked his head the other way. "I feel like I know you. Do I? Can't. Don't know anyone anymore. Nope, nope. Never mind. Mistake."

Fandral didn't know how much more his heart could take as he listened to Loki speak. Loki had never forgotten anything in his entire life. But after a year of isolation, he's forgotten who he was.

"Y-you do know me, yes," Fandral told him.

Loki's eyes went wide. "Can't. Don't know no one now. No one at all. Only know you from...week ago?" Loki frowned, his eyebrows knitting together.

Fandral stared at him. A week ago?!

"Loki, we only talked yesterday. Not...not a week ago", Fandral said.

Loki's frown deepened. "Yesterday? No. Can't have been. Week."

Fandral shook his head. "No, it was yesterday." A thought occurred to him. "Loki, how long...how long do you think you have been here for?"

Loki looked at him and for a moment, Fandral was afraid of the answer.

"Five. Five years," Loki said.

Oh no.

"Loki, you've only been here for a year," Fandral said. 

Loki looked shocked. "Can't be. No, no, no. Five years."

Fandral swallowed hard. He didn't know how long he had been there for. Five years! How could it have been five years? Then again, it was probably hard to keep track of time down here. Especially since he'd been isolated from everyone. Even guards.

"I swear, Loki. It's only been a year," Fandral said again.

Fear seeped into Loki's green eyes. He looked terrified. "No, no, no, no!"

"It's okay. Don't-don't panic!" Fandral said softly and fortunately, Loki seemed to respond to the soft tone and calmed down slightly, looking at Fandral with pleading eyes.

He wanted to help Loki. He did. But he didn't know how! He didn't even seem to know anyone!

"Do you know Sif? Or Hogun? Or Volstagg? Any of them?" He asked fearfully. He had to know them. They all used to hang out together all the time!

Loki frowned. "They-they sound familiar. But dont know. Don't know. No, no."

Fandral had noticed how Loki kept repeating things twice. It was strange to hear. The other Loki he knew would never repeat himself. If you didn't hear what he'd said then that was just tough. He never would repeat himself. Unless it was Thor maybe.

Thor!

Loki would have to remember his Brother. They had known each other forever! He would have to know him.

Loki was watching him, that curious expression on his face.

Fandral swallowed. "Do you...do you know-?" He tried to speak, but he was scared. He was scared that Loki wouldn't remember him. If he told Thor that his own little Brother didn't remember him, he didn't want to know what would happen. That includes actually telling Thor he found Loki. He won't be happy that Fandral had kept this from him.

Loki spoke, breaking Fandral's train of thought. "Know who?"

Fandral took a deep breath. He had to know.

"Thor."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts⚠️

Loki stared at him. His eyes held a pain that Fandral didn't even think was possible. It was so deep that it seemed to be digging it's way into Loki's own soul.

Tears brimmed Loki's green eyes.

"Thor?" He whispered, a tear slipping down his cheek. He looked so lost, as he drew his legs up to his chest, wrapping his thin arms around them.

No one should ever look that broken. It just wasn't right.

It made Fandral wonder what had happened to him. Who had hurt him?

It was obvious that someone had. Loki couldn't have caused all that harm on his body by himself, though Fandral suspected Loki had tried to self harm if the scratch marks along his arms were anything to go by.

"Do you remember him?" Despite the sudden sadness that Loki portrayed, Fandral's heart was racing. He did know him.

Loki set his eyes on Fandral and gave a small nod. "Thor, son of Odin, god of Thunder, prince of Asgard." Another tear slipped. "B-Brother?"

Fandral nodded, though he barely noticed. The pain in those eyes could be heard as Loki spoke. But his tone for his Brother wasn't hateful. It only sounded hurt.

"He misses you." Fandral wasn't sure why he was telling Loki that. But he felt that Loki should know.

Loki frowned at him and shook his head. "He doesn't miss me. No one misses me."

"He does. He misses you so much. He speaks of you, all the time," Fandral said, trying to convince Loki that what he was saying was true.

Loki kept shaking his head. "He left me. Left me here. Alone. He doesn't miss me. He doesn't care. He left me."

"No, that's not true," Fandral told him and a look of anger passed Loki's face.

"Then why did he leave?!" Loki shouted, making Fandral jump. "Why did he leave me alone? Why has he never come to see me? Why did he leave me with the voices? Why?!"

Fandral swallowed. "He didn't want to, Loki. He never wanted to leave you here. Never Loki. He cares about you. He loves you!"

Loki's rage faded, turning back to sadness. "No. He doesn't. If he did..." Loki sobbed. "If he did then I wouldn't be here. He would have killed me when I asked him to."

Fandral's blood turned to ice. What? Loki had asked Thor to kill him? When?!

"I'm tired," Loki mumbled, looking away from Fandral to the bed then back.

Fandral hesitated for a moment then stood. "I'll come back tomorrow," he promised.

Loki didn't answer, just stared.

Fandral turned and left.

He had some questions he wanted answered.

* * *

"Morning, Fandral. How'd you sleep?"

Fandral glanced up at Sif who was walking towards him and sighed. "Not well."

"Why not? Is something troubling you?" Sif asked concerned for her friend, stopping in the middle of the long hall in front of him.

Fandral swallowed harshly and shook his head no. He wasn't sure if he should tell anyone yet. Not yet.

"Do you by any chance know where Thor is?" He asked, having been looking for the blond ever since he woke that morning.

"Not that I know of. If you'd like I can accompany you as you search?" She offered and Fandral hesitated before nodding and started walking again, Sif falling in step beside him.

"So why are you looking for the prince? Something important or...?" Sif asked, trailing off.

"Important, I suppose", he sighed.

Sif tilted her head to the side. "Is it about Loki?"

Fandral started looking at her with wide eyes. "N-no!" He said, his voice high. Then trying to calm himself, tried again. "No. Not Loki. Why would you think so?"

She raised an eyebrow and Fandral sighed. "How did you know?"

"You've been acting jumpy ever since you had gone to guard duty and I've seen you sneak out to the dungeons," she explained, rolling her eyes.

Fandral winced at how careless he'd been at trying to keep this secret. "Do you think Thor noticed?"

"No. But if you're not careful he will," she said. His expression grew a little wary. "So, is he alive?"

"I...yes. Yes he is, but-" Fandral shook his head not sure how to explain Loki's condition.

Sif gave him a sad look. "He's not there anymore?"

"Pardon?" Fandral blinked at her. How could she know that Loki was insane?

"He's been in isolation for a year. It would drive anyone crazy," she told him and he hated to admit it, but she was right. Loki was proof of that.

Fandral shivered imagining himself in Loki's position. Not remembering who he was or anyone he knew. Being isolated like that for so long. But he didn't know what it was like. Not as much as what Loki did.

"So are you going to tell Thor?" Sif asked, bringing Fandral back to their conversation.

"I-I don't know. I want to but..." he looked at the floor feeling helpless.

"You don't want to hurt him," Sif finished, understanding and barely concealed concern in her eyes.

Fandral nodded to confirm her statement.

"How bad is he?" She asked, looking a little afraid by what she might hear.

"Bad. He looks like he's been through hell and back, except he didn't quite make it back. Almost like the demons dragged him back before he managed to escape..." He felt angry and sad for Loki. It hurt too much to think about, but he knew Sif knew what he meant.

Sif looked deep in thought. Finally she spoke. "I want to see him."

"Are you sure? I mean, he's pretty bad Sif. He doesn't even...he doesn't even remember any of us," he said sadly. 'No one but Thor', he thought. Then he realised he still had to talk Thor about what Loki had said.

"Loki said something to me. I-I want to ask Thor about it, but if I do-"

"You would have to admit you've seen him," Sif concluded. He nodded.

"Should I even tell him or..." he trailed off looking at Sif for advice.

She thought about it for a minute then shook her head. "No. If it's as bad as you say, it's not the best idea to get Thor involved just yet. Let me see how bad it is first and maybe we can help him get better before we tell Thor."

"Sif, I don't think we can make him better," Fandral said even though he wanted to feel hopeful that they could do something. For Loki's sake.

"We have to try," Sif said firmly. "I'll meet you at your room tonight, okay?"

Fandral opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out so he nodded instead.

Sif nodded back before walking away.

Fandral couldn't shake off a bad feeling about this.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: abuse, strong violence, unintentional self harm⚠️

Fandral waited anxiously for Sif to arrive at his room, pacing back and forth feeling unsettled.

As much as Sif knew how bad Loki's...condition was, Fandral didn't think she would be prepared for the real thing. Fandral had seen some pretty horrific things in his life, but seeing Loki like that? It definitely made the top of the list.

He just wanted her to hurry up. He could barely contain himself from just leaving without her. It had been too long, in Fandral's opinion, since the last time he'd seen Loki. Anything could have happened.

He just couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong.

There was a knock at the door and Fandral rushed to get it, finding Sif standing outside.

"Ready to go?" Sif asked and Fandral nodded eagerly.

They snuck through the halls and down to the dungeons, walking as quietly as possible. Sif had to, more than once, pull Fandral behind pillars to avoid guards as he was barely paying attention, too focused on getting to Loki.

"Where now?" Sif asked once the guard had passed.

"Just down here," Fandral promised, leading her down the abandoned hall, glancing at each empty cell as he passed.

"He really was isolated, wasn't he?" Sif murmured, noticing the lack of prisoners and guards.

Fandral simply nodded absent mindedly. He could see Loki's cell from here.

But he didn't see Loki.

Fandral went up to the barrier, looking around for Loki, but still didn't see him anywhere.

"His cell looks like a murder scene," Sif stated, looking around at all the dried blood and smashed furniture.

"Where is he?" Fandral muttered, not seeing the raven.

"There," Sif said, pointing near the back of the cell.

There was Loki, in the corner of the cell closest to the bed, sitting with his legs to his chest and hands pressed to his ears.

He was breathing shallowly, eyes shut tight and was muttering softly under his breath.

"He looks like death," Sif said gently. Not in a cruel way, but more like a fact.

Loki shuddered, pressing himself further back into the wall he was propped up against.

Fandral didn't like the looks of it. He wondered if Loki was having a nightmare but wasn't entirely sure since Loki wasn't exactly asleep.

Then Loki's eyes snapped open, fear evident in them, but most unnerving was how his whole expression changed from terror to just plain calm and his hands fell away from his ears.

Fandral saw a green flash of light and blinked a little before focusing on what had appeared in front of him.

"What-?" Sif looked seriously confused.

"It's an illusion," Fandral explained. "He can use his powers inside the cell, but not outside."

"Oh," Sif nodded. "But why-?"

Fandral sighed, looking at the second Loki that appeared, the bad feeling returning. "Loki makes illusions of memories that have happened to him before. They're...they're not good either."

The fake Loki stared at the real Loki as if unsure of what to do. Sort of like a teacher telling them to do an act, but haven't been told what the act is.

Then another person appeared. In fact, three people appeared all in a flash of green light. But there was only one Fandral recognised.

Gray Eyes.

Grey Eyes and what Fandral assumed were his friends, snickered and grabbed the fake Loki's arm, yanking on it making the fake Loki fall and land on the ground rather painfully.

The real Loki watched this calmly, as if it were just a film, something that was fictional.

But Fandral knew it wasn't.

The other two that Fandral didn't know started kicking and hitting Loki, abusing him.

And the fake Loki did nothing to stop them.

Grey Eyes seemed to get bored of how he was getting little to no reaction out of the fake Loki, who had only curled into a ball as they abused him.

Grey Eyes grabbed the fake Loki by the hair, forcing his head up to look him in the face. There was blood running down the side of the fake Loki's face from his hairline and there was a bruise already forming on his cheek.

The fake Loki's eyes were brimmed with tears he tried not to shed as he was forced to look at Grey Eyes.

Grey Eyes said something to the illusion Loki but no words actually came out of his mouth. But he didn't need him to speak to know what he was probably saying.

Unfortunately, Fandral could hear the real Loki muttering under his breath not far away.

"You're worthless, pathetic and a waste of space. Disgusting little prince you are. Better off dead aren't you? Well, we can fix that," the real Loki said and Fandral shivered at how calm Loki's voice was as he spoke. Almost like he was agreeing with Grey Eyes.

Grey Eyes let go of the fake Loki's hair and turned to his friend. He said something else to him and the other man nodded, racing off, straight through the cell wall, out of sight.

He was only gone a few moments in which Grey Eyes had taunted the fake Loki a little more, before coming back with...

...a baseball bat?

Grey Eyes smirked as he was handed the metal bat, running a hand over the smooth metal. Fandral knew what was most likely gonna happen, but he couldn't look away.

Grey Eyes lifted the bat over his head, then brought it down on the Loki illusion's stomach.

The fake Loki's eyes went wide and struggled for breath, his hands covering his stomach in pain.

Grey Eyes didn't seem to care as he brought the bat down on the fake Loki's hands as well.

It was so painful to watch, knowing this had actually happened to Loki. He wanted to kill Grey Eyes more than ever at that moment. Fandral didn't think it could get any worse.

He was wrong.

Just when it looked as though it were over, just when Grey Eyes turned away to grin at his friends who were cheering him on, the fake Loki broke, tears cascading down his face.

Grey Eyes glanced back at him and grinned evilly. Fandral wished he could unsee what happened next.

Grey Eyes lifted the bat behind his head like he was preparing to hit a baseball and brought it swinging down, hitting the fake Loki straight in the side of his head, right at his temple.

Have you ever seen a movie where someone gets shot and all the blood comes out of one side of their head? That's exactly what happened to the illusion Loki only the blood came out the side that was hit.

Fandral didn't know how the fake Loki could still be alive. Blood stained across the floor, dripping from the fake Loki's head. His eyes were shut and his body still.

And Grey Eyes just laughed.

"Not dead."

Fandral started, too horrified with the illusion that he had forgotten momentarily that the real Loki was sitting not far from the scene, watching the illusion of himself bleed out on the floor of the cell, blood pooling.

"Not dead," he repeated. "Never dead. Don't want me dead. Want me to suffer."

The illusion flickered as Grey Eyes ordered his friends who grabbed the limp Loki illusion and started dragging him until the whole illusion faded away.

Loki lowered his eyes to the ground. "They don't want me dead. Dead means no pain. No pain, they don't want that. Want me to suffer. Suffer the pain."

He wrapped his arms around himself, hugging himself as if for comfort, but Fandral could see Loki's nails digging into his skin. "Death, death, death, makes the pain go away, away, away." 

Loki then giggled as if he found that sentence very funny, but Fandral didn't think it was humorous in the least. It sounded as if it were a line Loki had told himself a million times. It just proved how broken Loki was.

Fandral almost jumped a mile when Sif spoke, having forgotten she was there.

"Loki?" She called to the raven. She looked terribly pale as though she were gonna be sick but was being brave as she tried to capture the broken god's attention. 

Loki stopped giggling and looked at her. He looked shocked, surprised before spotting Fandral.

His eyes went wide.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

"Back again?" He asked, sounding even more surprised than what he looked.

Fandral tried hard to smile. "Of course. How are you?" He asked, trying to sound normal.

Loki cocked his head to the side in thought. "Why do you want to know? No one ever cares how I feel."

"Well, we do," Sif said gently and Loki blinked at her.

"You do?" He asked, sounding perplexed.

"Yes, we do," Sif confirmed and Fandral nodded.

Loki blinked at them again before looking down at the ground. He seemed to hesitate for a few moments before answering. "I don't know...it's...all mixed up."

He looked up at the pair, looking sad that he didn't know his own emotions. Fandral wanted to help him but wasn't sure how.

"Why don't you sit on the bed, hm? It will be more comfortable instead of the floor," Sif suggested.

Loki glanced at the bed then back at her before slowly nodding and standing up a little unbalanced before going over to the bed and sitting down on it with his legs crossed and his hands in his lap, his eyes on Fandral.

"Do you wanna play a game?" Sif asked and Fandral looked at her as if she were the insane one.

Loki looked at her, his eyebrows going up in surprise. He slowly nodded again.

"Sif, what-"

Sif hushed him before smiling at Loki gently who hesitantly smiled back.

"Okay, the game is called truth and dare. Have you played that before?" Sif asked gently.

Loki shook his head looking apologetic.

"That's okay. I'll explain it. I ask you, truth or dare. You'll pick one. If you pick 'truth' then I get to ask you a question that you'll answer. If you pick 'dare' then I'll tell you to do something, like dance around the room or something silly."

Loki looked intrigued and nodded enthusiastically.

"Sif, what are you-"

Sif hushed him again before talking back to Loki. "I'll start. Truth or dare."

Loki thought about it. "Truth," he said finally.

"What's your favourite food?" She asked.

Loki blinked. "Favourite...food?"

She nodded.

Loki looked a little lost. "I-I...I can't...remember," he whimpered, looking down shamefully.

Sif was quick to react. "It's okay. That's alright. Why don't you have a turn instead."

Loki nodded, tears brimming his eyes from his struggle to remember. He looked at Fandral then back at Sif, almost as if he was taking comfort in the fact that Fandral was there. It made Fandral feel slightly better that Loki did want him there. That Loki needed him. "T-truth or d-dare?" He asked in a shy voice.

Sif smiled. "Dare."

Loki bit his lip. "Make...make a funny face?"

It came out as more of a question, but Sif didn't seem to notice. She stuck out her tongue and puffed out her cheeks and made her eyes go cross eyed.

Loki was in a fit of giggles.

Fandral was glad to see Loki laughing. He knew now what Sif was doing. She was trying to distract Loki from all the dark thoughts in his head. It definitely seemed to be working. It was nice seeing Loki laugh over something other than death.

Sif went back to her normal face, smiling as Loki tried to smother his laugh by covering his mouth. "Truth or dare?"

Loki looked shyly at her and hesitated before saying his answer very quietly. "Dare."

Fandral understood why he was so hesitant. Usually if a person picked dare then you would have to do whatever they said. Loki was probably afraid that Sif would make him do something he didn't want to do.

"Can you whistle?" Sif asked and Loki nodded a little confused. "Okay, I dare you go whistle for ten seconds."

Loki frowned. "But...why?"

Sif shrugged. "For fun."

Loki didn't know what to say to that, so instead he did as he was asked and whistled for ten seconds. He wasn't lying either. He could whistle and he was really good at it too.

When he'd finished, Sif clapped and Fandral did too. "That was really good, Loki," Sif praised him.

Loki swallowed and smiled. "Thank you," he mumbled, looking down at the ground bashfully.

This went on for a while, hours almost. Even Fandral joined in for a bit of it. Loki mostly requested funny faces for most of the dares which the two were more than happy to make for him, just to see him smile.

Loki actually looked happy. An emotion that Fandral had never seen on Loki since he'd been in this cell. Even before then. He didn't think he'd seen Loki smile so much before than now.

Eventually, Loki was too worn out and tired to continue even if he wanted to and the other two felt similar.

"Come back tomorrow?" Loki asked, rubbing at his eyes as he fought to stay awake.

Sif nodded. "We promise we will."

Fandral nodded. "We'll be here tomorrow for sure."

Loki managed a sleepy smile and a nod before he laid down in his bed and pulled the blanket over him. "Goodnight," he said, closing his eyes.

The two said goodnight back before heading back to their rooms together.

"He kept looking at you," Sif said and Fandral frowned.

"Well, yeah. Because he knows me more," Fandral said in an offhand tone.

Sif shook her head. "No. It's not that. He just seems to really like you. I mean, he laughed more at your funny faces than mine and well...he just seemed more comfortable around you."

Fandral didn't say it aloud but he knew she was right. "How did you do that?"

"Do what?" She asked.

"You know, how you made Loki laugh and that. He's, well...he's not in the best state of mind and you knew exactly the right things to say and do," Fandral said, feeling a little jealous of her.

Sif smiled slightly. "I counsel a lot of people who have been to war. I know how to deal with people who have anxiety, depression, PTSD and in Loki's case, all three."

Fandral nodded, having forgotten. "We should get to bed. Especially if we're going to see Loki tomorrow night."

Sif stifled a yawn. "Alright. I'll meet you at your room, same time—"

A noise made them freeze.

"Don't move! Turn around slowly!" A familiar voice said.

Sif and Fandral looked at each other fearfully before doing as told, turning around to the newcomer. The man's stormy blue eyes widened when he realised who they were.

"Fandral? Sif? What are you two doing here," Thor asked.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

Fandral swallowed harshly, glancing at Sif for help.

"Well, you see Thor, we—"

She was cut off as Thor spoke. "Did you set off the alarms?"

Fandral frowned. "What alarms?"

Thor rubbed his eyes tiredly and Fandral remembered how late it actually was. It had to be near morning by now. "Someone has been sneaking down here at night, so my Father set an alarm near the entrance to the dungeon if anyone went in or out of it."

"Oh," Fandral said, internally cursing at how clumsy he'd been.

"Why are you down here though? Surely both of you know it is forbidden to be down here without permission?" Thor said, looking at the pair suspiciously.

Fandral and Sif exchanged glances. They both knew that they wouldn't be able to lie to him. Besides, they would have to tell him the truth eventually. Might as well be now.

"We...we were seeing Loki," Fandral admitted shamefully. "We were going to tell you, but we didn't think it was the best idea."

Thor looked as if he'd been hit in the face by a shovel. "You...you know where Loki is?"

Fandral nodded.

"But then...why didn't you tell me," Thor asked, looking like a kicked puppy. "He's my Brother. Why would you keep this from me?"

Sif spoke up. "Loki isn't, well, he isn't in the greatest mind. We weren't sure how he'd react to seeing you."

Thor's eyebrows knitted together, confused. "I don't understand. What do you mean, 'not in the greatest mind'. What's wrong with it?"

Fandral swallowed. "Well, um, it's not actually there."

Thor frowned. "Tell me everything," he demanded.

They did. They owed it to him. So they told him how Fandral found him by accident, about how the isolation had destroyed Loki's mind, the illusions Loki made, and how they had been visiting him constantly, trying to help Loki.

Fandral looked at Thor when he'd finished, unsure if Thor would yell at him or not. "He also said that...that he'd asked you to kill him. Is that...is that true?"

Thor grimaced. "Yes. But I refused to. I could never hurt him. He was angry at me after and refused to talk to me."

Fandral sighed. He knew Thor had probably said something like that to Loki, but it didn't make it easier to hear. How could Loki even ask for that. He didn't truly want to die...did he?

"You refused to kill him, so now he's mad at you. Makes sense," Sif said.

"You said you know where he is, didn't you?" Thor asked suddenly.

Fandral knew what he was going to ask. "Thor, I don't think it's the best idea for you to see hi-"

"Please, Fandral. I need to see him. I want to make sure he's alive," Thor begged and Sif shook her head.

"Isn't our word enough?" She demanded and Thor glared at her.

"You kept this from me for almost a week. This is the least you can do," he said. He didn't sound so much as angry, just more hurt.

"Alright, fine. But I'm still letting you know that I don't think it's a good idea," Fandral told him, but Thor wasn't listening, too intent on seeing his Brother again.

Fandral led the way, not getting lost this time. He now knew his way around, so it was only minutes until they arrived at the corridor. He showed Thor the rest of the way, down the corridor until they finally reached the cell.

Loki was lying on the bed, fast asleep. For once, he actually looked peaceful as he slept. No night terrors, no illusions popping up. He looked content.

Thor stared through the glass, taking in his Brother's thin frame and the wrecked cell room, dried blood everywhere.

"Oh Loki, what happened to you," Thor whispered, a look of horror and sadness on his face that had gone slightly pale.

It had only been said in a small whisper, but Loki seemed to have heard. He shifted in his thin blanket and slowly sat up, eyes opening to look over at them. Loki looked first at Sif, then Fandral, before his eyes finally focused on Thor.

Loki froze.

Thor swallowed. "Loki?" He said in a calm, gentle tone that only shook a little.

Loki didn't move for almost a whole minute, just staring at Thor with wide eyes.

Finally, he pushed back the blanket, slowly standing on trembling legs and made his way over to the golden barrier. He stopped in front of it, just looking at Thor with a half scared, half confused look.

"B-Brother?" He said in barely a whisper.

That would have made Thor's day to hear Loki call him Brother again after all those years of Loki denying it. He should have been leaping for joy.

But it didn't. Not now. Not while Loki was like this. Broken, scared, insane. It hurt to hear Loki call him that, knowing it was only because Loki was so far gone he couldn't remember why he stopped calling Thor that.

Thor nodded regardless.

Loki's eyes went wide in shock and tears gathered in his eyes as he slowly sank down to his knees. His eyes never left Thor's, as if he feared looking away in case Thor would suddenly vanish. He looked close to breaking down completely, but he didn't he just kept looking at Thor.

Slowly, very slowly, he looked down at his hand. Then just as slowly he raised his hand to the golden barrier, placing his bloodied hand against it and looked back at Thor.

Thor knelt down to Loki's eye level. He put his hand to the barrier over Loki's. His hand was much bigger than Loki's, nor was it covered in dried blood, though Loki's fingers were longer than his and much thinner. It just showed how different they were in almost every way.

Loki let the tears slip down his cheeks as his poisonous green eyes stared into Thor's electric blue ones.

"Is it madness?" He whispered.

Thor swallowed. He wished he could have given any other answer. But he knew the truth. He knew he could never lie to Loki, no matter how many times Loki had lied to him. Especially when he was like this.

"Yes, Brother," Thor whispered back, feeling tears fall down his own cheeks.

That's when Loki broke.

His hand slipped from the glass to his lap. Something inside him broke as if the truth had finally settled in and he realized how broken he truly was for the first time. He leaned down until his head touched the floor, his arms wrapped around his middle and sobbed helplessly.

And there was nothing any of them could do.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: attempt suicide, self harm, strong languag, strong violence⚠️

Thor burst into the throne room, Sif and Fandral behind him. He walked straight up to Odin who sat on his throne looking at Thor shocked as his son stopped in front of him fury in his eyes.

"What have you done to my Brother!" Thor yelled at his face. Odin tried to speak but Thor cut across him sharply. "What have you done to make him bleed and want to go so far as to kill himself! What have you done!" He yelled again even louder as if he thought his Father couldn't hear him.

Odin swallowed hard, fear in his eyes at his son's rage. "I-I don't know what—"

"You know very well what," Fandral said sharply, just as angry as Thor but had more control over his emotions...though not much would take him to whip out his sword and run the Allfather through with it.

Odin looked at all three of them before sneering. "He got what he deserved!"

Thor looked just about ready to pulverize him and Fandral would be right behind him, but Sif spoke up before either of them could jump the old man. "Allfather, we demand that Loki be released at once."

"Or else," Fandral added, putting his hand on the hilt of his sword in a clear warning that he better agree or else things would get ugly.

Odin glanced around, a horrid realization setting in that he was completely alone and unguarded. He looked back at them. "Fine," he said reluctantly. "But he is banished from this realm do you here? If you release him and take him elsewhere you can never come back. You will be an outcast just like him."

Fandral still preferred the idea of simply killing Odin, but Sif put a hand on both his and Thor's shoulder. "So be it," she said, pulling them away, back towards the dungeon.

Thor turned to look at Odin one last time. "You," he said, his voice a deadly calm, "are no longer my Father."

Odin's expression didn't change. Thor kept looking at him for a few more seconds before allowing Sif to drag him away.

"How can you stay so calm?" Fandral questioned her as soon as they were out of earshot.

"Because fighting against Odin will only make him angry and get all of us killed along with Loki," she explained, though her voice was harsh as if she was restraining herself from running back to Odin and kick him in his soft spot. "We have to hurry though. No doubt Odin will be sending his guards after us to kill us before we escape with Loki."

"Loki has shown me many secret passage ways we can escape with," Thor said though he looked mortified. "I just can't believe my own Father could be such..."

"An ass?" Fandral suggested.

"Come on," Sif said, running the rest of the way.

They got back to the cell fine, but the sight that greeted them wasn't.

Thor's eyes went wide. "Loki, no!"

Loki sat with his back against the far wall with what seemed to be a jagged rock in his hand that he was slowly digging into his skin, blood all over his hands and wrists. He didn't look up at Thor's shout, instead muttering to himself softly as if reassuring himself of something.

Fandral brought down the golden barrier frantically as Thor rushed past him, dropping to his knees beside Loki and snatching the rock from Loki's hand, but the damage was already done. Deep bloody cuts were etched into his skin. There was so much blood it seemed impossible.

Loki blinked rapidly, glancing up at Thor, his breath shallow. "Death," he whispered softly, almost adoringly. "Death, death, death, takes away the pain, pain, pain." His eyes seemed to focus slightly more on Thor. "You do it?" He asked, offering his bloodied wrist.

Fandral saw the horrified expression on Thor's face as he shook his head. "Loki-" he stopped, realizing there was no reasoning with Loki. He was just too broken to understand why Thor would say no.

"Thor, we have to get out of here," Sif reminded them and Fandral jolted, forgetting that they had a time limit to get out of there before the guards arrived.

Loki looked at her then at Fandral almost like Thor was now invisible. "Leaving?" He asked, confused.

Fandral swallowed, approaching Loki cautiously, not wanting to scare Loki. "Yes, leaving. Somewhere safe."

"Safe?" Loki repeated in an even more confused tone as if he didn't know the meaning of the word. Fandral wouldn't have been surprised if he didn't.

"Yes. We'll get you away from here," Fandral promised, but Loki was already shaking his head, backing more into the corner of the room, muttering under his breath.

"No, no, no. Don't want to. Nowhere safe. Lies. Tricks," he mumbled, fear in his eyes as he stared at Fandral.

"Have I ever lied to you Loki?" Fandral asked, making Loki stop his movements as he thought about the question. The next second it didn't matter as Loki's eyes rolled into the back of his head, and slipped down the wall that he was leaning against and Fandral cursed, catching Loki before he could hit the floor.

"He's lost too much blood," Sif stated and glanced at Thor, "I hope for Loki's sake that where we're going has a Healer."

Thor nodded. "One of the best I know. We should go."

Fandral picked Loki up in his arms and was surprised and frightened by how light he was compared to how he looked. "I'll carry him," he said, trying not to think about Loki's food arrangements since he'd been down there. "You lead the way since there may be guards waiting for us and you and Sif are better fighters."

Thor nodded again and led them out the cell and up the hall. They found out pretty quickly that Fandral was right as there were ten guards waiting for them outside the prison's cell doors.

Fandral stayed back, holding Loki tightly as Thor stepped forward, Sif beside him and fought the guards. If it had just been one or the other they would have been killed in minutes, but as it was them together, they pushed back the guards, knocking them out instead of killing them which took more time but was better than outright murder. Some of the guards had family and only were doing this on Odin's orders.

They finished their work in less than five minutes working together, before gesturing for Fandral to continue on as they worked their way outside the castle.

Thor led them down the path, past the stables to a long patch of wall. Thor pressed his hand to it before frowning then cursed. "I just remembered. Only Loki can open this. He's the only one I know besides my Mother who can do magic."

"Then wake him up," Sif said, who has a cut across her thigh from one of the guard's swords.

Fandral shifted Loki slightly. "I don't think we can. He's lost so much blood already. Besides, even if we could I don't think he'll do it. He said he didn't want to go, remember?"

"The Bifrost then," Sif said. "It's our only other option."

Thor shook his head. "We can't. Heimdall-"

"Might be on our side. He's always changing his opinion. He might help us," Sif said defiantly.

"But if he doesn't—"

"What choice do we have?! If we stay here, we're dead. Loki too. It's the only chance to save him," Sif said, meeting Thor's eyes who seemed to relent.

Despite how light Loki was, Fandral was starting to have trouble holding him up in his arms. "We won't make it on foot. The Bifrost is too long, they'll catch us before we make it."

Sif pointed to the stables. "We'll take the horses. It'll be faster."

They went over to the stables, not bothering to saddle the horses as they got on. Fandral held Loki in front of him, afraid of him falling off. Thor and Sif took the second horse, Sif holding Thor around the middle so she wouldn't fall. They flicked the reigns, galloping off at full speed heading to the Bifrost.

They hit the bridge, racing down it, Fandral constantly glancing back but there was no sign of anyone following them.

They slowed at the end of the bridge, stopping at the entrance of the dome where they could see a man in armor, a sword in both hands, not threatening but formidable as if he knew exactly how to use it if he had to.

Fandral slid off the back of the horse, pulling Loki down back in his arms. If worse came to worse, he'd jump off the bridge into the water below. It's better than being skewered and knowing he failed saving Loki.

Thor approached the gatekeeper cautiously, keeping a tight fist around Mjolnir. "Heimdall," he said warily.

The gatekeeper kept his eyes steady on Thor. "Son of Odin."

"That man is not my Father," Thor said, managing to keep the anger out of his voice but with difficulty. "We require your help."

"I know," Heimdall said, his golden eyes flickering to the limp form that was Loki, before going back to Thor. "But it is treason."

Thor sighed. "Heimdall, please. Help me...help us. Loki doesn't deserve this. He's done wrong, I know, but no one deserves this. You know Odin has done wrong. To an extent, so have I, for being so oblivious. Please, let me make it right," he pleaded.

Fandral held his breath. Either Heimdall agrees or doesn't. If he doesn't, Fandral would be prepared to jump if only to have a chance at saving Loki's life. Unless of course they drowned.

After what felt like eternity, Heimdall finally nodded, turning and headed up the steps to the stand which he sank his sword halfway into. "I do this only because I know you are right. But I cannot help you again."

Thor nodded in understanding, as they all stood in front of the swirling vortex. Heimdall pushed the sword down to the hilt and the four of them lurched forward into the multicolored light.

It lasted only a second before they were spit out, Fandral landing hard on his back, but Loki thankfully still safe in his arms.

He had a moment of relief until he heard an unfamiliar voice shout in alarm, followed by a string of curse words.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

"Man of Iron! I am terribly sorry! Let me help you up!" Fandral heard Thor say.

"No, I'm good. I got it!" Said a man with brown hair and brown eyes to match, who stood, backing up before Thor could 'help'. "And again. It's 'Tony', okay?"

Thor stood, looking a little rejected, but instantly got to the matter at hand. "I require your assistance."

"Require my..." Tony stopped, spotting Loki still in Fandral's arm. "What the fuck is he doing here?!"

Thor grimaced. "Please, I need your help. My Brothers hurt, I—"

"Tony, what's going..."Bruce trailed off as he walked into the room, along with Natasha, Clint and Steve behind him, "...on?"

Tony groaned. "I don't know. Thor says his Brothers hurt or something, so—"

"Brother?" Clint asked. "You can't mean—" he froze, seeing Loki.

"Apparently he can," Natasha observed.

Sif stood suddenly. "Look. I don't know any of you besides Thor and Fandral. But if you can help Loki, then so help me you better get started otherwise you're going to be minus one testicle by the time I'm finished with you."

All the guys in the room gulped in fear and nodded frantically.

"Holy mother, what happened to him?" Tony said when he saw Loki's injuries.

Thor didn't answer.

Fandral helped them get Loki to the couch and Bruce rushed off to grab a First Aid Kit, but not before ordering Clint to press a piece of cloth to the wounds to stop the blood loss.

"Thor, seriously, what happened?" Steve asked softly, but sternly as Bruce rushed back, getting started on Loki's wounds.

Thor took a breath. "After...after I took Loki back to Asgard he was imprisoned for his crimes against Midgard. He was to be in complete isolation. No visitors, no family, no friends, nothing. He was imprisoned for almost a year, by himself."

Natasha shook her head. "You can't do that. It messes with people's heads," she said.

"Well, it did," Fandral said. "In a big way, too."

"His mind has gone," Thor explained. "He doesn't remember everything. Some things, but...it's hard to explain unless you see it. He's not himself anymore. He's just gone."

"So, your saying he's insane?" Clint asked. "Like, more insane than usual?"

Thor nodded.

"And you thought it was a good idea to bring him here?" Tony asked incredulously.

"I couldn't leave him in that cell. He was miserable. He was hurting himsel—" Thor stopped, wincing.

"Hurting himself?" Steve said with wide eyes.

"That doesn't surprise me," Bruce said as he stood, having finished bandaging Loki up. "Those cuts on his wrists look self inflicted."

"They are," Sif said, not bothering to sugar coat it. "He's so gone that he doesn't realize that what he's doing is wrong. He thinks it's okay to want to die."

Tony shook his head. "That's messed up."

"You think?" Clint asked sarcastically.

Loki muttered something inaudible in shifting slightly before he opened his eyes, looking around at them all with a puzzled expression.

"Loki," Fandral said as he went over to the raven to help him sit up. "How do you feel?"

Loki blinked, looking at Fandral with confusion in his eyes. "Where...?"

"Midgard," Fandral told him, but Loki's attention had already left him as he looked at the others in the room.

His eyes landed on Tony and started giggling. "You fall. You fall, you fall, you fall."

Tony raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I remember. I fall. It's hilarious. Terrific."

Fandral glanced at Tony. "You know what he's talking about?"

Tony snorted. "Course I do. Loki threw me out a window. That one to be specific," he said, pointing to one of the windows across the room, "and I fell almost a hundred or so feet."

Loki giggled again, seeming unconcerned about this fact.

"He's really messed up, huh?" Clint said and Loki cocked his head at him in curiosity.

Suddenly Loki jumped as if he'd been shocked. "No, no, no," he muttered, trying to move away, but Fandral grabbed his arm to keep him from running off, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Accident. Didn't want-"

"Loki, calm down. It's okay," Fandral reassured him, but Loki didn't seem to hear him who's breathing was shallow and had his nails digging into his arms that he'd pulled out of Fandral's grasp and had wrapped around himself.

"Please, I'm s-sorry," Loki said and Fandral realized with a shock, as well as all the others, that he was actually crying. "I didn't want to. I d-didn't. F-forced. Was forced. I-I'm sorry-"

Fandral quickly took Loki's hands, pulling them away from Loki's arm's that had started to bleed. "It's okay, Loki. Please, calm down."

Loki shook his head, muttering 'I'm sorry' over and over like a prayer.

Clint looked pale, his eyes as wide as he stared at Loki. He swallowed hard. "It's...it's okay, Loki. I forgive you."

Loki froze for a moment, before slowly relaxing. He looked down at the floor, tears still shining in his eyes. "I'm tired," he mumbled and Fandral sighed in relief.

"Is there somewhere my Brother could stay?" Thor asked Tony who nodded.

"Uh, yeah. Just...follow me," he said, waving a hand for Sif and Fandral to follow as well.

Fandral took Loki's hand, pulling him up and got him to follow after the others as they were led to double doors that opened up to a small space that they all stepped into.

"It's an elevator," Thor said, seeming rather pleased that he knew this information as the doors slid back shut. "It takes you up and down the floors."

Fandral nodded in understanding as he felt the elevator go up. It only lasted a few seconds before it stopped again and the doors opened and they stepped out.

"Just pick any room you want. They're all empty," Tony said with a gesture to all the doors. Before Thor could thank him, he went back into the elevator, the doors shutting behind him.

"I don't think Loki should be left in a room by himself," Sif said and Thor nodded.

"One of us can stay with him to make sure he's okay," he said glancing at his Brother. "To make sure he doesn't do anything drastic."

"I'll stay with him," Fandral said instantly and Thor raised an eyebrow at his eagerness. "I only mean...he knows me pretty well now."

Thor smiled. "Alright. Let us know if you need us."

Fandral nodded, before turning and picking the room closest to him and opened the door, taking Loki inside and shut it behind him.

"Here," he said, setting Loki onto the bed carefully, pulling back the covers so Loki could get in and threw them over him once he was settled.

"Warm," Loki murmured, blinking sleepily up at Fandral.

He smiled, unable to help it. "Yeah, it is. Get some sleep."

Loki caught his hand in his. "Stay?" He whispered, and Fandral could see how he was struggling to keep his eyes open making him realize just how exhausted Loki must be.

Fandral bit his lip, unsure for a moment. "Alright," he decided and pulled the covers back, sliding in next to Loki who didn't protest against it so Fandral figured it was alright.

He suddenly understood what Loki meant by 'warm'. This bed made him want to never leave it as it was so toasty and comfortable. He wondered, if it was like this for him, how must it be for Loki who before had to sleep on a small bed with a thin blanket.

Loki sighed softly and when Fandral glanced at him, he could see that Loki had already fallen asleep.

Now feeling safe for the first time in a while, it didn't take long for Fandral to do the same.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

The next morning, Fandral woke feeling rather well rested and calm. After everything that had happened over the past two weeks, he felt like he deserved a bit of a break.

Unfortunately, his calm was short lived.

When he looked to the other side of the bed where Loki had been sleeping, he found it empty. "Loki?"

Fandral looked around the room, seeing nothing of the god of Mischief. But he did see that the door was wide open. "Shit!"

He leaped out of bed and raced out the door. He didn't see him in the hall. He went to the elevator, frantically clicking the button that he knew made the doors open.

When they finally did, he got inside and just as forcefully as before, hit the button over and over until the doors slid shut and tapped his foot against the ground repeatedly as he felt the elevator go down.

The doors opened and he stepped out finding he was on the floor with the sofas and such from last night. And sitting on said sofa was a raven haired Norse god.

Fandral felt a spark of irritation go through him, but was too overwhelmed with relief that Loki was okay, that he could ignore the annoyance as he made his way over.

He saw that somehow, Loki had gotten the TV on (yes, he knew what a TV was. He had visited Midgard before) and was on some comical looking channel. Loki was giggling non-stop as he watched the characters. He didn't seem to notice Fandral sit beside him as he bounced up and down in his seat laughing hysterically.

Fandral smiled slightly. The laugh seemed genuine even though the show wasn't as funny to him. "Hey, Loki."

Loki looked at him as if it were the first time he'd noticed him there, which it probably was. "Fandral?" Loki smiled.

Fandral felt his heart race. Loki had actually remembered his name. "Yeah, it's me."

Loki giggled again. He moved closer to Fandral and rested his head on his shoulder, making the blond tense slightly, before hearing Loki sigh and relax against him.

Fandral swallowed. Loki had never done anything like this before. But, then again, Loki had never been out of that cell he was in before. But even before all of this, Loki had never done stuff like this. He'd never been a big fan of physical contact. Was it different now, since he's mind was so fractured?

Fandral didn't know, but he didn't push Loki away either.

A little while later the others came downstairs, Sif raising an eyebrow at them when she saw them, but didn't comment. She was talking to the other girl, Natasha. They seemed to be getting along rather well considering they barely knew each other. He saw some of the others, Bruce, Steve, Tony, Clint, and Thor come down.

Steve went straight to the kitchen and a minute later Fandral smelt food cooking. Tony went for a machine that he used to fill his cup with dark brown liquid. Bruce was talking about physics with Tony and Clint was sending scathing looks, Loki's way.

"Does Loki want something to eat?" Steve called from the kitchen.

"I'm guessing he might, considering how fucking skinny he is," Tony said, glancing at the god who wasn't paying them any attention and didn't look up at his name.

"Yeah, food will be good, thank you," Fandral replied.

Thor sat on the other couch, looking at his Brother worryingly. "Did you sleep well, Loki?" He asked.

Loki blinked looking over as if just noticing Thor. He seemed to do that a lot. He nodded once before looking back at the TV.

"He remembered my name," Fandral said quiety and Thor's face lit up.

"Really?" He asked and Fandral nodded. "That's great news. He must be getting better. He just needs time to adjust properly."

Fandral nodded mutely. Steve handed him a plate and one to Loki who hesitated before slowly taking it without a word. He stared at it unsurely, before looking at Fandral.

"Here," he said, picking up the fork and scooping up some baked beans and holding it up. "Open your mouth."

Loki blinked a few times before opening his mouth. Fandral popped the forkful of food in and Loki closed his mouth around the fork before his eyes went wide. He hummed, taking the handle of the fork and Fandral hand brushed Loki's making Fandral shiver inwardly.

Fandral left Loki to eat his food so he could eat his own. The baked beans were really good as was the bacon. Steve brought them drinks, some delicious mixture with milk that tasted of melted chocolate.

Thor was asking for seconds and Fandral was tempted to ask for more as well. But he didn't, thinking he might look greedy. These people seemed rather nice, especially towards Loki which couldn't have been easy as Loki had destroyed their city in the attack.

Loki made a sound like a groan making Fandral look over. Loki's pale face had taken on a sheen of green and was holding his stomach tightly, his face pinched.

"Loki?" Fandral said worryingly.

Loki shook his head weakly, before leaning over and throwing up on the floor.

"Oh, come on!" Tony yelled. "In my lounge room?!"

Fandral grabbed Loki's arm, pulling him up and to the bathroom close by. He took Loki inside and sat him beside the toilet. Loki seemed to get what to do as when the next wave came, he leaned over the toilet to empty his stomach.

"What happened? He seemed fine..." Fandral said, mystified.

Thor stood behind him looking distressed. "I don't understand it either. Perhaps there was something wrong with the food?"

"It wasn't."

Fandral looked at the door to see Bruce standing there, looking concerned at Loki. "You said he wasn't allowed visitors or anything while he was in a cell? He must not have gotten any food. To have gone so long without food, even for a god, that's pretty rough. His stomach probably shrunk. He can't have as much food as he just had. It was too much. The natural thing to happen was for him to throw it up."

"F-Fandral."

Fandral looked at Loki who now looked pale. Paler than what was normal.

He knelt down beside the god, pulling off some toilet paper and wiped Loki's mouth. "There. It's alright. We'll try again later."

"F-feel sick," Loki murmured.

Fandral sighed, pulling Loki up and Thor flushed the toilet for him. He took Loki back to the lounge area and said he was taking Loki to his room to rest. As he walked to the elevator, he could hear Tony complaining about his ruined carpet.

When they got to the room, Fandral told Loki to go lie down for a while and he'll feel better when he woke later. As soon as Loki was asleep, Fandral went and had a shower feeling sticky and hot. He let the cool water wash over him as he let his thoughts go through his mind. Thinking of ways to help Loki, to make him better. Marvelling at the fact that Loki had remembered his name and had said it twice.

It wasn't much, but it was a start.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: mentions of abuse, strong violence⚠️

_"Thor, why can't I play with you and your friends?"_

_Loki, only at the age of seven, tugged at Thor's cape who didn't turn to look at him as he responded. "You know why, Loki. It's not the best idea for you to play with us. Fandral almost ran you through the other day if I hadn't stopped that sword."_

_Loki still persisted after him. "But I want to play with you! I'll be more careful. Please, Thor?!"_

_Thor stopped, turning to his little Brother. "I'm sorry, but my word is final. I don't want you hurt. When you're older you can, but not now. You're too little."_

_Loki pouted. He wasn't little. Thor was only eight! He had every right to play with them! But he knew Thor wouldn't let him._

_"I'll play with you later, Loki. I have to go. They're waiting," Thor said, turning and racing down to the arena._

_Loki watched him go, feeling miserable. He just wanted to be around his big Brother. Why didn't Thor understand that?_

_He sighed, heading back to the castle, kicking at stones as he did. He just wanted a friend, that's all. Just a friend-"_

_"Stupid faggot!"_

_Loki lifted his head, looking around. What...?_

_"Come on, get up! Get up!"_

_Loki looked towards where the voice was coming from and his eyes widened. There was a group of three boys, eight, maybe nine, all kicking and hitting another boy with dark ash brown hair around Loki's age. Seven or so._

_The young prince stared in shock, unsure what to do. The boy on the ground was curled up, holding his head, not fighting back, the boys around him jeered and kicked at him. The boy was dirty and wore ragged clothes. A peasant boy._

_Loki bit at his lip. He could always leave, go back to the castle, pretend he didn't see anything._

_But he knew he wouldn't._

_Loki suddenly rushed forward, stepping around them and spreading out his arms, protecting the boy from further harm. "Stop it! The prince of Asgard commands you!"_

_The boys all froze, backing up quickly from shock, but it wore off quickly. "Why do you care! He's just some peasant boy. A peasant boy who didn't know when to shut his mouth!" One of them said._

_"Leave or else my father will hear about this," Loki stated calmly, but firm._

_The boys glanced at one another before scowling, walking away and muttering under their breath._

_Loki waited until they were gone before kneeling down beside the boy. "Are you okay?"_

_The boy was panting hard but nodded, his face screwed up in pain, his eyes closed. "I'll be alright in a minute," he wheezed, holding his side. He lay on his back, trying to regain his breath as Loki checked him over. He had a bruise forming on his cheek, and he guessed the boys ribs must ache from the beating but was otherwise uninjured though Loki still was concerned for his well-being. "You don't have to worry yourself, princeling. I'm okay."_

_Loki frowned. "You're not. You're hurt. I can take you back to the palace, get you something to drink? Rest for a bit, perhaps."_

_The boy's breathing had gone down. "You don't need to pity me, princeling. But...I suppose...that wouldn't be too bad."_

_Loki smiled at that. "My name's Loki," he said, taking the boy's hand where it rested on the ground and pulled him up. "Might I know your name?"_

_The boy smiled at Loki with a smile that Lucifer would have had before God had sent him to hell, gray eyes meeting green._

_"Samael."_

* * *

_Loki knocked at the door of the small house, waiting patiently and tried to ignore the yelling coming from inside. He fiddles with his fingers. He was always nervous when he came over to Samael's house, trying not to listen to the screaming inside. He knew Samael hated that Loki knew of his...situation._

_After a minute, the door opened and Samael stepped out, shutting the door beside him, scowling. He was older now. They both were at the age of twelve and thirteen. He was taller than Loki, just by an inch but still taller. His hair grew out longer which he never bothered to cut unless he got annoyed with it one day and attacked it with a blade. Loki never questioned it, but it always made Samael's hair look uneven, curling around his ears._

_Loki didn't bother cutting his hair himself, letting it grow long like Thor's did, wanting to be more like his older Brother though Samael said Thor looked like a Princess which would have Loki giggling._

_Samael finally looked at Loki and his gray eyes lit up like they did whenever his gaze was set on the younger prince. "Hi. Sorry about..." he gestured weakly at the door where Loki could still hear his friends Mother and Father yelling at each other inside._

_"It's alright," Loki said quickly. "Do you want to go down to the lake with me? I'd ask my Brother but..."_

_"He's busy?" Samael guessed._

_Loki nodded._

_Samael grinned, showing off his perfect white teeth. "I'd love to."_

_Loki smiled and they headed down the steps of the porch to the lake, chatting about each other's lives since the last time they'd been in each other's company._

_"My Father's worried about money again," Samael said. "He says to my Mother constantly that they can't afford to keep me."_

_Loki glanced at him. "Do you really think he means that?"_

_Samael nodded. "Yes. He's said it before, but then work started up again, so he didn't. It's only a matter of time though."_

_"And your Mother. Surely she won't let your Father do it?" Loki said, thinking of Frigga._

_"She doesn't care about me," Samael said bitterly. "She's too drunk half the time to pay attention to what happens around her."_

_"Well, you can live in the palace, with me," Loki offered and Samael looked up at him surprised._

_"You would do that?" He asked, looking hopeful._

_"Of course," Loki said, reaching the lake and sitting down in the grass, gesturing for Samael to do the same, which he did. "You're my friend. I'd do anything for you."_

_Samael blushed, looking down. That's when Loki noticed the bruise on Samael's neck._

_He reached out, touching the mark and saw Samael flinch. "Sammy-"_

_"Don't," Samael said firmly, pushing away Loki's hand._

_"You can't keep letting your Father do this to you," Loki whispered._

_"I don't want to talk about what my Father can or can't do," Samael snapped and Loki flinched back. Samael instantly looked guilty. "I-I'm sorry, Loki. I didn't mean to snap. I just rather spend the time talking about other things than that."_

_Loki nodded. He didn't push it. Samael would just get angry if he did. He could have a nasty temper like his Father when he was angry._

_Samael stood, taking his shirt and pulled it over his head, chucking it aside. Loki stared at him like he'd gone mad. "What are you doing?!"_

_Samael laughed, his gray eyes sparkling like silver powder. Loki loved Samael's laugh. He couldn't help the smile on his face whenever Samael laughed. But there was something underneath it, something lingering under that surface that would make Loki shiver inside though he always pushed it aside, ignoring the danger signs._

_"I was going for a swim," he said, turning to look over his shoulder at Loki. "Care to join me?" He asked before plunging into the crystal water._

_Loki gasped as water sprayed over him before laughing as Samael came back up, hair wet sticking to his forehead. "Sammy!" He laughed._

_Samael grinned. "Come on! The water's nice!" He promised._

_Loki, after a moment, hesitation, nodded, riding his t-shirt and jumping in after Samael. They played in the water all afternoon until their fingers and toes were wrinkled, each of them splashing one another, Loki never mentioning once the bruises along Samael's stomach and back._

_They played like they didn't have a care in the world. As if they had no one else but each other to enjoy the company of as best friends often did._

_But that quickly changed._


	13. Chapter 13

Fandral had gotten dressed after his shower in the bathroom. He didn't want to be naked if Loki suddenly woke up. He didn't think the Norse god of Mischief would appreciate it.

When he walked back into the room, Loki was still fast asleep. He looked so peaceful, so calm. Fandral wished that Loki didn't ever have to wake up, wanting him to sleep forever with peaceful dreams.

Loki mumbled something in his sleep. Fandral bit his lip, going over to the god and kneeling down beside him.

Loki huffed slightly before muttering. "Sammy..."

He went silent again.

Fandral frowned. Who was 'Sammy'? The name sounded familiar. But why did it fill Fandral with a strange sense of jealousy?

Loki shifted, his eyes fluttering open to see Fandral. He cocked his head to the side before speaking. "Fandral?"

Fandral jumped, looking down at Loki only just realizing he was awake. "Loki. You okay? I'm sorry, I didn't mean to. I was just making sure you were okay."

Loki blinked a few times, looking around. Fandral wondered if Loki even remembered what had happened. Did he remember that he wasn't in Asgard anymore? He didn't freak the first time he woke. But with a mind as damaged as Loki's he just couldn't be sure how the god of Mischief would react.

Loki looked back at Fandral and gave a soft sigh. "Avengers?"

Fandral let go the breath he hadn't even realised he was holding. "Yeah, that's right."

Loki slowly nodded, pushing himself up so he was sitting. He chewed at his lip as if he were thinking, his eyebrows knitted together in thought. "I'm...I'm trying," Loki swallowed repeatedly before speaking again. "Minds...fractured. Hard to...process...to explain—" Loki stopped, pressing his lips tightly together and looking both frustrated and as if he were going to cry.

"It's alright, Loki," Fandral assured him. "I understand what you're trying to say."

And he did. He understood that Loki was trying to explain his mind wasn't the same. That something was wrong. He knew that. He also understood that somewhere in there, the old Loki was trying to mend what was broken. Was trying to make himself better.

Fandral just hoped that it wasn't too late to fix it.

"Let's get something for you to eat. Something small," Fandral said, but Loki shook his head.

"Don't want to go down there," Loki said firmly. "Stare at me. Hate me."

"They don't hate you," Fandral tried but Loki was dead set on not going downstairs so he told Loki he'd get some food to bring to the room which Loki was okay with.

He came back a while later to find a strange sight.

Loki was still in bed, but he'd somehow found what seemed to be a game. As Fandral drew nearer he saw it was chess. Where on Midgard did Loki find that?!

"I'm back," Fandral stated when Loki didn't look up when he entered, not wanting to startle him.

Loki nodded distractedly, still not looking up as he set up the little men on the board. Fandral set the plate of food on the bed before sitting down himself. They sat in a comfortable silence for a few more minutes before Loki placed the last piece in its position and looked up with wide green eyes.

"Chess," he stated.

Fandral nodded. "I see that."

Loki glanced at the game then back at Fandral. "Play?"

There were a lot of ways Fandral could interpret that. 'Could he play? Did he know how to play? Did he want to play?'

Fandral took the basic one and nodded. "I can play a game with you."

Loki smiled slightly, before reaching down and moving a white chess piece, then looking up at Fandral again. "You're turn."

This went on for a while. Fandral encouraged Loki to eat while they played which Loki was happy doing. He seemed fine this time round with eating the food and Fandral made sure that Loki didn't eat too much.

The blonde god kept glancing at Loki, smiling each time the raven got a mischievous light in his eyes when he played a move, or a smirk slighting his face. It was like the old Loki was playing just beneath the surface.

"Hey, Loki?" Fandral asked as he played a move.

"Mm?" Loki hummed as he studied the board.

"Who's Sammy?" Fandral asked.

Loki stiffened, looking up with wide green eyes. "How...?"

"I heard you say that name when you were asleep," Fandral explained, feeling slightly guilty.

Loki blinked a few times before looking down and making a move. "Was a friend."

"'Was'?" Fandral repeated slowly, making his own move across the board with his night.

Loki took a few moments to say or do anything until finally he moved his horse, taking Fandral's bishop. "Dead."

"Oh," Fandral shifted uncomfortably. "I'm sorry."

Loki shook his head. "Not your fault."

Fandral sighed, knowing Loki was right, but still feeling bad for bringing it up. He moved a pawn forward. "Was he...a good friend? Did you like him?"

Loki took longer to answer this. "He was a good friend."

Fandral felt like he was getting nowhere with this conversation. "Did I know him, maybe?"

Loki looked up at him through his lashes. "Yes."

Fandral was surprised to hear this. "I...don't remember him, I'm afraid."

Loki took the pawn Fandral just moved with his castle. "You didn't know him by name."

"So, we met?" Fandral guessed and Loki nodded. "How old was I?"

"Young. Not sure of age. But young," Loki said eventually.

Fandral sighed, thinking hard. It was obvious Loki wasn't going to open up but he was curious. He wanted to know who this Sammy was. "Did...did Thor know him?" He asked, moving forward another pawn.

Loki nodded slowly. "Yes."

Fandral held back a sigh of relief. Perhaps he could ask Thor about this Sammy.

The game ended when Loki made a move and grinned at Fandral, his green eyes flashing triumphantly.

"Checkmate."

Fandral smiled. _'Checkmate indeed_ _,'_ he thought.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: mentions of abuse, strong language⚠️

_"_ _Hey, Loki?"_

_Loki glanced at his best friend, laying beside him in the grass as they stared up at the clouds. The pair were a few years older now, Samaels hair shorter than the last time as he'd gotten annoyed and hacked it off so it now sat unevenly on his head. "Mm?"_

_Samael chewed his lip_ _absently_ _before answering. "Do you want to be king?"_

 _Loki breathed deeply_ _before_ _slowly letting it back out. "_ _I'm_ _not sure."_

 _Samael raised an eyebrow at him. "_ _You're_ _not sure? How could you not_ _be_ _sure_ _?_ _You'd_ _be the ruler of Asgard!"_

_"My Brother will rule Asgard, not I," Loki stated simply._

_"But_ _if_ _you_ _had_ _the chance to, would you?" Samael asked eagerly._

 _Loki shook his head. "I cannot dream such_ _things_ _, Sammy. If something were to ever happen to_ _my_ _Brother..._ _I_ _do not think_ _I_ _could_ _bear it."_

 _Samael sighed, glancing back up at the cloudy sky. "I suppose_ _you're_ _right. Even if your Brother is a bigot."_

 _Loki laughed, rolling onto his_ _side_ _so he could face Samael and rested his head on the other boy's chest. Samael_ _couldn't_ _hold back a smile as he glanced down at Loki, but also a wince of pain. The bruises on_ _his_ _chest ached but he said nothing, not_ _wanting_ _Loki_ _to_ _move away from him._

 _Their moment was ruined however, when a shadow was cast over_ _them_ _, making them both look up._

 _"Loki? Who is_ _this_ _?"_

_Loki sighed, trying to hold back a groan of annoyance. "Hello, Thor."_

_Thor frowned slightly, his blue eyes on Samael. "That doesn't really answer my question," he said._

_B_ _ehind_ _Thor were his friends, obviously going down_ _to_ _the training arena._

" _He's_ _my friend," Loki answered, missing the way Samael scowled at the word 'friend'. "His name is_ _-"_

 _"Samael,"_ _Samael cut across him as_ _he_ _sat up and offered a hand_ _that_ _Thor hesitantly_ _took_ _. "After having befriended_ _your_ _Brother for several years_ _you'd_ _think_ _I_ _would have met you earlier. But_ _I_ _suppose your Brother_ _isn't_ _high on your level of concerns?" He said, dropping the handshake._

 _Thor looked offended and Loki quickly stood up, stepping between them. "Perhaps you_ _should_ _go down to train, Thor?"_

_Thor turned his attention reluctantly to Loki though his hands had clenched into fists as Samaels words. "I was looking for you to invite you to train with us."_

_Loki glanced at Thor's friends. Lady Sif and those warriors of hers. A blonde fellow at Sif's side smiled at Loki taking the raven by surprise, but didn't return the smile, turning away._

_"I don't think I do. You didnt want me to join you nine_ _years_ _ago and_ _it's a_ _little_ _late_ _for you to want me around now. I have my_ _friend_ _and you have yours," Loki said, ignoring the flash of hurt that crossed Thor's face as Loki took Samael's hand, pulling_ _him_ _up and made to walk_ _away_ _when_ _Hoguns voice spoke._

 _"_ _You're_ _that_ _village_ _boy,_ _aren't_ _you?" He said, looking at Samael. "The one of the Father that_ _abuses_ _his son."_

 _Samael's back stiffened,_ _his_ _hand tightening around Loki's._

 _"I heard he does worse than_ _abuse_ _you, though", Hogun continued when Samael said nothing. "Apparently he likes to touc_ _-"_

 _"_ _That's_ _enough!" Thor said loudly,_ _silencing_ _Hogun._

 _Loki's heart was thudding loudly in his chest that_ _it_ _was a wonder how no one_ _could_ _hear_ _it_ _. Samael_ _wouldn't_ _meet_ _Loki's concerned eyes, his face full of shame._

 _Loki glared at Thor. "And_ _you_ _worry about the company_ _I_ _keep? Maybe you should consider your own_ _company_ , Brother," _he spat_ _the_ _last word acidly,_ _tugging_ _hard at Samael's hand to make_ _him_ _move as they headed back to the castle._

 _It took too_ _long_ _. Samael didn't say a word_ _the_ _whole_ _time_ _. He_ _wouldn't_ _even look at Loki though he didn't let go of Loki's hand either._

 _Once in the safety of Loki's room, Loki led Samael over to the bed, setting him_ _down_ _onto it before sitting_ _beside_ _him. They sat in silence, neither one speaking._

 _Loki knew what Samael's Father_ _did_ _. He knew he_ _hurt_ _Samael. His Mother had been no better. But it was one thing for Samael to open up about it and another_ _thing_ _entirely_ _to have_ _someone_ _throw it in his face._

 _"_ _I'm_ _sorry_ _that_ _happened_ _,"_ _Loki_ _said_ _softly, winding his hand in Samael's._

 _Samael shook his head. "It_ _isn't_ _your fault_ _your_ _Brothers friends are asshats."_

_Loki gave a wry smile. "Are you okay?"_

_Samael swallowed, looking_ _away_. _He had only ever cried twice in Loki's memories. Once when his Father had broken his wrist and the other when his Mother had_ _died_ _. Despite_ _everything_ _she'd done to him,_ _he'd_ _still cried_ _over_ _his dead Mother. Samael hated being seen as_ _vulnerable_ _. Only_ _with_ _Loki could he be his true self. Or, part of his true self. He_ _never_ _had to hide his pain._

 _"_ _I'm_ _alright_ _. Just wasn't expecting it. I_ _should've_ _seen it coming_ _though_ _,"_ _Samael sighed._

 _"Hogun_ _shouldn't_ _have said what he did. He had no right,"_ _Loki_ _seethed._

 _"It's more_ _the_ _fact he knew that worries me," Samael bit his lip hard. "How long_ _until_ _the_ _whole of Asgard knows that_ _I_ _am my Father's slut?"_

 _Loki sat up straight giving Samael a hard look. "That is not_ _true_ _. Don't ever let me hear you say those words again, do_ _you_ _hear?"_

_Samael felt a smile tug at his lips. "Yes, my princeling."_

_Now Loki was attempting not to_ _smile_ _. "You_ _haven't_ _called me that_ _since_ _we met."_

 _"It is what you are,_ _is_ _it not?" Samael asked_ _rhetorically_ _._

 _Loki smiled,_ _shaking_ _his head. "_ _You'll_ _be the death of me, Samael."_

 _Samael smiled lightly. "I_ _would_ _never hurt you."_

_Loki nodded. "I know."_

_Samael was breathing_ _fast_ _now, his heart rate_ _picking_ _up as he stared into Loki's bright green eyes. So full of life. Life that only Samael felt when he was around Loki. He needed Loki to feel_ _alive_ _. He didn't want anyone else to have Loki. He wanted Loki to himself._

_Loki was his._

_"Samael?" Loki_ _asked_ _, concerned_ _by_ _Samael's rapid change of breath._

 _Samael swallowed hard before lurching_ _forward_ _, pressing_ _his_ _lips to Loki's, hands reaching up and_ _tangling_ _in Loki's long raven hair._

 _Loki_ _made_ _a muffled noise of alarm and shock,_ _green_ _eyes wide. He could feel Samael's_ _insistence_ _lips on_ _his_ _own, pressing_ _against_ _them hard, hands_ _tangled_ _in his hair._

 _Loki pressed_ _his_ _own hands to Samael's chest and shoved hard. Samael pulled back,_ _gray_ _eyes on Loki's wide ones._

 _"Did_ _I_ _do it wrong?" Samael asked, a hint of_ _worry_ _in_ _his_ _tone. "It...it was my first kiss. If_ _I_ _did_ _it wrong you can tell me. I-I can_ _try_ _again."_

 _Loki opened his mouth, no words coming out. He was_ _beyond_ _shocked_ _. He couldn't believe Samael had kissed him, had not even known Samael felt that way._

 _"Sammy..." Loki's hands shook as he pressed one to his_ _mouth_ _. He_ _spoke_ _again, his_ _voice_ _slightly_ _muffled_ _. "Sammy...no."_

 _Samael blinked, confusion_ _written_ _on his face. "No?"_

 _Loki_ _shook_ _his head. "No," he repeated, a bit more_ _firmly_ _, taking away his hand. "I don't..._ _I_ _didn't..." he huffed, forcing the words out. "Samael,_ _I_ _don't_ _like_ _you like that."_

_Loki felt horrid as Samael's face fell._

_"You...don't?" He asked, his voice heartbroken. Loki saw with rising shock that tears had gathered in Samael's gray eyes._

_But Loki_ _couldn't_ _go back on his word. He_ _couldn't_ _offer_ _something_ _to Samael that wasn't there._

 _"Sammy_ _-"_

 _Samael stood_ _abruptly_ _, making Loki flinch back though Samael made no_ _move_ _towards him, instead turning his back on the younger prince. "I should go_ _home_ _. This was a mistake. I should never have-" He gave a choked sob and Loki's heart plummeted._

 _"Samael, I—" he began but Samael had already_ _strode_ _over to_ _the_ _door, throwing it open and walked out, the door slamming loudly behind him._

 _Loki stared at the_ _door_ _, his heart hammering louder than ever._

 _Just before Samael had_ _left_ _he'd glanced back at Loki, only for a second, a_ _dark_ _look in his gray eyes._

 _Loki_ _didn't_ _know what, but he_ _knew_ _something bad was soon to_ _happen_ _._

 _And yet,_ _his_ _only concern was the fact that this was_ _the_ _third time he had ever seen Samael cry._


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: Tony being inappropriate⚠️

Loki had fallen asleep after their game, obviously exhausted. He let him sleep, deciding to talk to Thor while he was.

Fandral found Thor in his room, sitting on his bed with Lady Sif, watching a movie on the TV. The two cuddled up to one another, Sifs head resting on Thor's shoulder.

Fandral coughed awkwardly as they had not seen him enter, gaining their attention. Sif sat up, moving away from Thor while the Thunder god sat up, looking at Fandral with wide eyes.

"Fandral? Is Loki well?" Thor asked quickly.

Fandral shifted, slightly uncomfortable for intruding but his questions pressed him forward. "Loki is well. Sleeping at the current moment. We played a game of chess. It seems to have mentally exhausted him and he was out like a candle within minutes."

Thor frowned. "I see. But that is good that he rests, isn't it? To help heal his mind?"

Fandral nodded. "It is but...he happened to mention something to me. I wanted to ask you if you knew anything about it."

Thor nodded. "Of course my friend. Ask away."

Fandral lightly shut the door behind him, walking slightly closer. "While Loki was asleep before, he mentioned a name. He said you knew about them."

Thor nodded in understanding. "And this name was?"

Fandral licked his dry lips. "Sammy."

Thor's face darkened. Sif glanced between Thor and Fandral looking just as confused as Fandral felt. "I thought I would never have to hear that name again," he whispered darkly.

Fandral felt like running from the room in all honesty. Thor looked downright murderous. But his yearning for answers kept him where he was pushing his ever growing urge for answers on. "So you knew this person then?"

Thor's hands clenched where they rested in his lap and Fandral liked the idea of running even more by the second. "I knew him, yes. And he is very much better off dead."

Fandral flinched back at that. Thor was usually merciful when it came to misdeeds. Especially when it came to Loki. It took a lot to make Thor mad enough to wish someone dead. This only made Fandral even more curious.

"What happened to him? Loki said he died," Fandral pressed.

"He did die. And he deserved it," Thor growled. Sif laid a hand on his arm, soothing the larger blond, but only slightly. There was still a darkness clouding his eyes.

"You hate him," Fandral observed. It was obvious to both him and Sif that Thor didn't like whoever this person was. But Fandral could only wonder, why?

"Tis' nothing. What happened has happened. It is in the past now," Thor said though his voice still held a deep anger. "I do not wish to speak of this. It would only hurt Loki, bringing this up."

Fandral looked at Sif who looked back at him. Both were just mystified as the other at the anger Thor had.

What had happened? Who was Sammy? And what had he done to warrant Thor's anger? And why would Loki still consider them a friend, dead or not, if they had hurt him?

There was a knock at the door and it opened to reveal Tony's hesitant smiling face. "Hey, is there a threesome going on here? Can I join?"

Sif looked disgusted at the accusation. "I would never bed Fandral," she said before giving Fandral an apologetic look. "No offence Fandral."

Fandral frowned at her. "Wait, what?"

Thor sighed. "What is it you require, Man of Iron?"

Tony rolled his eyes at Thor's name for him. "It's ah, Loki. He woke up screaming before falling silent and is just staring at the wall..."

Fandral was out the door before Tony had finished. He rushed into the room he and Loki shared to find exactly what Stark had described.

Loki sat on the bed, legs drawn up to his chest, staring blankly at the wall. Fandral let out a soft breath. He slowly walked over to Loki, crouching down in front of him. "Loki?"

Loki didn't take his eyes away from the wall though he reached out a hand. Fandral took it and Loki squeezed in three times before he stopped. Fandral didn't take his hand back, holding tightly. Loki was there, but he also wasn't. Not quite.

"I should have let him stay," Loki whispered after a few minutes of silence.

"Let who stay?" Fandral asked gently.

Loki squeezed Fandral's hand twice. His skin was so cold. How did Loki stand being so cold all the time?

Loki finally answered. "Samael."

Fandral put two and two together. Samael. Sammy. It was too close a coincidence for it not to be the same person. But he thought to check just in case.

"Is that Sammy?" Fandral said.

Another couple hand squeezes. A nod.

"I should have...let him stay...if I had...he would have been okay," Loki said quietly. "He would not be dead. He would not have done it. He would not be dead."

Fandral ignored the fact that Loki was still repeating himself. "What happened?"

A hard squeeze. Loki shook his head. "No."

Fandral swallowed, standing slowly so he didn't startle Loki before sitting beside him, pulling him into his side. Loki was as tense as a bow sting pulled taut. Fandral was afraid he'd snap any second. But as soon as Loki was pressed to Fandral, he melted into it. All the tension drained out of his body.

Loki turned face into Fandral's chest as Loki's body shook. Fandral knew Loki was crying. Fandral just held him tight, whispering soothingly. He wasn't sure exactly what he said but it seemed to calm Loki down a bit. The sound of his voice seemed to help so he kept talking. Whatever helped Loki he would do it.

Loki's sobbing eventually subsided. He slowly pulled away from Fandral embrace. "I wish..." Loki looked at Fandral, green eyes dark before he looked down, staring at his hands as he spoke the words that made Fandral heart break. "I wish to stay insane. It hurt less. But...but I won't...because...it hurt Thor."

Fandral took Loki's hand and squeezed gently. "Sanity isn't so bad."

Loki looked up through his lashes, a smirk quirking up the corners of his lips. "I disagree. But it a matter of opinion."

Fandral slowly nodded. Loki wasn't wrong. "Do you want to sleep for a while longer? I can stay with you? If you wished me to, that is."

Loki stared at him for a moment. "No," he decided. "I want to...play more chess."

"So you can make me lose again?" Fandral asked with a smile.

Loki shook his head with a slow, genuine smile. "No. It helps. Heals my mind."

Fandral nodded, squeezing Loki's hand once more. "Well, then. Let's play."


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong violence, murder⚠️

_Loki resorted to training with Thor._

_It was really the only thing to stop the guilt that ate him up inside. He'd tried so hard to push it away, but nothing stopped the plagued thoughts of Samael kissing him. The hurt look, the flash of pain, the darkness underneath in those gray eyes._

_Loki had found out what that darkness was._ _Samael had found new friends. Friends that very much liked to_ _bully_ _and_ _harass_ _Loki._ _More_ _than harassing_ _sometimes_ _. Samael got_ _only_ _worse and_ _worse_ _over_ _the_ _years. Anger and hate_ _mixed_ _with what Loki thought was even jealousy_ _whenever_ _he was around other people._

 _It was horrid_ _having_ _to put_ _up_ _with_ _it. There were some very near close_ _calls_ _with_ _death even_ _. Even the time when he had been put into a coma by Samael, he kept silent. Loki said nothing to Thor. He_ _couldn't_ _. Thor would murder Samael. And as_ _much_ _pain as Samael put on Loki, the...unsatisfactory things even...he_ _couldn't_ _bear the thought of Samael_ _being_ _dead_ _._

 _So he trained. He had never been particularly good at the physical_ _side_ _of battle, though, according to Thor, that was the only kind. But he tried his best to learn the sword which he adapted to with the help of Fandral, a blonde_ _friend_ _of Thor's that Loki_ _had_ _slowly_ _started to consider as a friend of his own._

 _He was always patient with Loki, always offering_ _encouragement_ _. He_ _didn't_ _talk down_ _to Loki_ _like_ _the others did_ _because_ _he was younger. Out of the group, Fandral was the youngest, so he knew what it_ _felt_ _like to be told he_ _didn't_ _understand what_ _the_ _'grown ups' were talking about._

 _Loki was grateful, however, for the distraction from Samael, no_ _matter_ _what form that came in._ _Whether_ _it be sparing with Fandral at sword_ _point_ _, or practicing_ _knife_ _throwing_ _on his own, he_ _didn't_ _mind._

 _It was one day when Loki had taken his break, going around the_ _corner_ _of the arena where a spring was that he_ _could_ _wash his sweaty face with._

 _He_ _hadn't_ _been paying attention. If he had, he would_ _have_ _seen the other boy. When he_ _turned_ _to head back, he froze, seeing Samael_ _standing_ _there._

 _"Samael," Loki breathed. His breath seemed to catch in his lungs as he stared at the other_ _teen. Or adult, really. He was nineteen now almost twenty._

 _Samael stared back at Loki, gray_ _eyes_ _unreadable before he lowered them_ _slowly_ _to the ground. He spoke in a small voice that had Loki worried even more so. "I need your help."_

 _Loki let out a breath he'd been holding, carefully_ _stepping_ _a little closer to Samael. He_ _didn't_ _seem like he was going to hurt him. But he had been_ _proven_ _wrong_ _more then once_ _before_ _. "You do?"_

 _Samael nodded. "I..._ _I_ _wanted_ _to ask...you said if_ _I_ _ever wanted to...if I ever needed a place to stay..._ _I_ _could...stay with you?"_

 _The words seemed to take a_ _lot_ _of effort for Samael to say and looked out of breath when he had finally managed to get them all out. He looked up at Loki, a_ _slight_ _hesitation in them,_ _mixed_ _with_ _a deeper set of fear._

_Loki swallowed. "Sammy-"_

_"Don't," Samael said_ _suddenly_ _, sharply, "call me that."_

 _Loki bit his tongue._ _"Why don't you ask your_ friends _for help."_

 _Samael_ _flinched_ _at_ _the_ _near harsh tone. "Because...because_ _I_ _need someone_ _who_ _understands me."_

 _Loki shook his head. "I don't understand you, Samael. I thought_ _I_ _did but...it's been_ _too_ _long. Far too long to_ _repair_ _the damage_ _you've_ _made."_

 _"Damage?" Samael repeated._ _"And yet you were the one who avoided me," Samael_ _countered_ _. "You_ _didn't_ _come to see me after what happened. I hoped you_ _would_ _. I hoped...I hoped we_ _could_ _still be friends."_

 _Loki crumbled at the desperation, the fear in Samael's voice at_ _being_ _rejected._ _"Sammy..._ _I_ _can't do this. I_ _wanted_ _to_ _be your_ _friend_ _. But now? You...you don't care about hurting me. So long as it entertains those friends if yours then you don't care who you hurt. You...you hit me in the_ _head_ _with a baseball bat_ _!" Loki's anger spiked. He wished to stay calm but facing Samael, it was hard to._

 _"It_ _was_ _an accident! I_ _didn't_ _think it_ _would_ _give_ _you a_ _concussion_ _or put you into a coma. It was only a bit of fun, really. I don't know why it upsets_ _you_ _so_ _,_ " Samael _growled_ _out._

 _"Then what of the rape?" Loki whispered and saw how Samael's eyes darkened at the word. "Surely you_ _would_ _have realized what harmed that would have caused?"_

_Samael hissed. "You wanted it. Don't lie."_

_Loki_ _stared at Samael, uncomprehendingly. "You really don't see the wrong_ _you've_ _done, have you?"_ _He_ _whispered_ _, shaking his head._

 _Samael_ _swallowed_ _. "I do..._ _I_ _just_ _don't_ _care. I_ _haven't_ _cared about anything but you. But..._ _I'm_ _losing you,_ _aren't_ _I_ _?"_

 _"Yes, you are," Loki confirmed, slowly edging his way around Samael._ _"In fact...you already have."_

 _Anger flashed across Samael's face and faster than Loki could react, he was pinned against_ _the_ _nearby tree,_ _back_ _hitting the hard wood and Samael's face inches from his own._

 _Loki stared into those_ _grey_ _eyes, filled with a_ _thousand_ _emotions and at the same time felt completely empty. "You promised, Loki! You_ _said_ _if_ _I_ _needed it_ _I_ _could stay with you. Please,_ _I_ _need this. My Father..." Samael shook his head. "Please,_ _I'm_ _begging_ _you_ _."_

 _Loki breathed hard, trying to_ _get_ _out of the other teens' grip but it was too tight, bruising his wrists where they were held_ _above_ _his head. He would_ _have_ _used his magic to get out of it but when he looked at Samael, he knew he could never hurt his friend._ _After_ _everything Samael did, he_ _still_ _considered him a_ _friend_ _and that is what_ _frightened_ _Loki. Not being able to harm_ _someone_ _who hurt him_ _constantly_ _._

 _He swallowed hard. He knew it was a bad idea. He knew if he allowed Samael to stay it would only give him_ _false_ _hope of Loki having more..._ _intimate_ _feelings for him. Loki_ _didn't_ _want that._

 _"I can't," Loki whispered. "Sammy,_ _I'm_ _sorry but_ _I_ _can't let you stay with me."_

 _Samael's face_ _twisted_ _up in anger and Loki thought for a_ _moment_ _that Samael would hit_ _him_ _._ _It_ _wouldn't_ _have surprised Loki. Samael had hit him_ _plenty_ _of times before._

 _Then_ _suddenly_ _his face went blank. Like a canvas wiped clean._ _He_ _let Loki go,_ _stepping_ _away from_ _him_ _. Loki was both shocked and relieved, but he was scared too._ _The_ _sudden_ _change_ _of mood was so sudden, so shocking to_ _Loki_ _that_ _didn't_ _know what to make of it._

 _Then_ _Loki heard a noise and he turned, seeing as a_ _figure_ _walked_ _into the clearing._

 _Fandral looked at Loki curiously, trying for a smile. "Hey, you took a while. I came to_ _check_ _if you were okay," he said softly, looking over Loki's pale face. "You_ _alright_ _? You look like you saw a Bilgesnipe."_

 _Loki blinked. "No_ _I_ _was just talking to-"_

 _He turned to look at Samael_ _..._

_...but he was gone._

* * *

_Loki_ _couldn't_ _sleep. A horrible feeling was eating_ _it's way_ _into his heart. The look on Samael's face, the hurt, the anger, even the blankness, made Loki want to curl up on himself._

 _He knew he was_ _being_ _ridiculous. Samael was fine. His Father may be horrid but he_ _wouldn't_ _hurt_ _Samael too much...right?_

 _No, Loki was wrong. Sammy's Father was disgusting and brutal. The fear for_ _his_ _friend_ _seemed to worsen._

 _He pushed back his blankets, standing and got_ _dressed_ _in his usual Asgardian attire._

 _He_ _snuck_ _out_ _the_ _castle. It was far too late at_ _night_ _to be going anywhere but he had done this many times before and would do so again and_ _again_ _even if one day they finally caught him though he doubted_ _they_ _ever would._

 _He went to the village just down one of the long dirt_ _roads_ _. He could_ _have_ _gone by horse but he_ _decided_ _against it,_ _preferring_ _to walk. It_ _wouldn't_ _take_ _that long_ _to get_ _there_ _by foot._

 _The_ _time_ _seemed to take_ _forever_ _and no time at all until he was standing in front of Samael's house. It was_ _eerily_ _quiet. Loki had_ _never_ _liked the silence. He_ _despised_ _it with a passion. Once when Thor had_ _asked_ _why he_ _preferred_ _to read his_ _books_ _near the arena Loki had said he_ _liked_ _the_ _noise_ _of swords clanging and shouts of the people training. That had only confused Thor further but Loki had only said that the silence was too loud._

 _This_ _didn't_ _help Thor's confusion._

 _But now, he felt it. The silence pressing against his ears so loud that it made_ _him_ _want to scream to break it._

 _Loki considered_ _knocking_ _but discarded it. It was much too late at night for that and they usually_ _left_ _the_ _house_ _unlocked_ _anyway._ _He tried the handle and sure_ _enough_ _, it was_ _unlocked_ _. He pushed the door open, walking slowly and_ _silently_ _inside,_ _closing_ _the_ _door_ _softly behind him._

 _He knew Samael slept upstairs in the attic. He moved towards them, his mind already_ _wondering_ _how he would make_ _sure_ _the stairs_ _didn't_ _creak when he heard it._

_A scuffling. A small sob._

_He turned towards the lounge. There_ _wasn't_ _much in it. Just a worn down couch Samael's Father was usually passed out drunk in and a_ _rickety_ _table that would_ _hold_ _the beers._

 _The sob came again,_ _louder_ _. Just behind the couch. Loki moved around it and what he saw made him_ _want_ _to throw_ _up_ _._

 _Samael was on his knees, tears streaking_ _down_ _his face as he_ _sobbed_ _, hands_ _clenching_ _and unclenching in his lap rythematically, shaking ever so slightly..._ _and_ _covered in blood._

 _In front of him laid a still figure. They weren't_ _moving_ _. Not even_ _breathing_ _as far as Loki could tell. It was then he saw the man's face. Samael's Father._

 _Blood pooled_ _around_ _the man on the dusty floorboards. The man's shirt was torn to shreds and the chest...the chest had_ _looked_ _as if a wild beast had clawed_ _through_ _it to get to the man's organs._ _He was clearly dead. Blood splattered the man's face,_ _eyes_ _unseeing as_ _they_ _stared up at the ceiling._

 _Samael was shaking violently. Loki was half scared to approach him. He_ _hadn't_ _even seen Loki yet. But Loki_ _couldn't_ _leave. He_ _couldn't_ _. Not_ _when_ _Samael so_ _desperately_ _needed_ _him_ _now. Not when his Father lay dead in_ _front_ _of him, sobbing like his heart was tearing in_ _half._

 _Loki gathered up his nerve and_ _walked_ _carefully_ _forward, worried Samael might panic and attack him._ _But the_ _other_ _boy barely seemed to_ _notice_ _him as Loki_ _slowly_ _knelt_ _down in_ _front_ _of him, the body between them as Loki ignored the blood soaking_ _through_ _his_ _clothes_ _where his knees_ _touched_ _the ground._

 _Loki reached out, gently brushing Samael's cheek who drew in a shuddering breath as he looked up at Loki, eyes dark. It seemed to take_ _him_ _a minute to realise who it_ _was_ _in front of him but when it did, his eyes seemed to fill with a thousand emotions. Hurt, fear, anger, hate, paranoia, anxiety. He looked like a cornered animal._

 _"Samael?" Loki whispered as said boy reached up,_ _putting_ _his_ _hand_ _over the other one on his cheek, gripping_ _tightly_ _._ _He_ _squeezed_ _Loki's hands three times._

 _Samael_ _sobbed_ _, more tears_ _slipping_ _free as he said only_ _two_ _words._

_"Help me."_


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: mentions of self harm⚠️

Loki leaned into Fandral as they laid on the bed, watching a movie. Loki was getting better. A lot better. He was talking in near complete sentences without any breaks in them. He talked with the other Avengers. He was improving quite a bit.

But Fandral still worried for his mental health. Though it improved slowly, there were always drawbacks.

He had caught Loki twice using a razor. He had nearly had a heart attack when he found Loki sitting on the bathroom, his wrist slit open and blood just...everywhere.

It had been a close call, but Fandral had ensured not to leave Loki alone since, always being by his side. They played chess constantly. He lost every time. He didn't mind though. He knew it helped Loki.

The female assassin had even played against the god and a few other Avengers. She had very nearly won too. Loki had been overjoyed that she nearly had. He constantly asked her to play with him and she was more than willing to. She never seemed to tire of it and neither did Loki.

Steve was especially kind to Loki, always making sure Loki ate some sort of food in the morning, making sure the god was hydrated. He even offered to train with Loki which the god happily accepted claiming his muscles were likely turning to mush after so long of little use.

Bruce had given Loki checkups on his mental state and claimed that he was improving rapidly. Being more social was definitely helping the gods mental state which was exactly what Fandral would do. He brought Loki down to talk with the others constantly.

Even Tony had been helpful. Loki loved talking with the genius man it seemed. Loki had apologized for throwing up all over the man's floor when they had first arrived but Tony had just brushed it off saying that it wasn't the first time someone had thrown up in his living room. The two constantly chatted about nothing in particular.

Was Fandral jealous? No, of course not. He had no reason to be. He and Loki weren't together. He doubted Loki even liked him that way. Though they did sleep in the same bed at night. Loki had said he rather not be alone while he slept, especially since he had constant nightmares. Fandral was the only one who was ever able to calm Loki down after them.

Thor had tried once but Loki had only screamed louder when the blonde had drawn near the raven and Fandral, in panic, had drawn his sword, pointing it at Thor and told him to back off. Thor had been shocked beyond belief but had allowed Sif to drag him from the room.

Afterwards Fandral had apologized profoundly for the way he had acted but Thor had only shaken his head, stating he was glad he could trust Fandral to protect Loki. Fandral had only nodded to that. He didn't know how to explain to Thor why it was that he protected Loki so fiercely.

Sif knew. He could see it in her eyes whenever he brushed back a stray strand of hair behind Loki's ear or whenever after a panic attack, Fandral would hold Loki close and whisper softly to him, reassuring him of where he was and who he was with, that he was safe.

He sat with Loki now, the gods head resting against his shoulder as they watched a movie together as they had done on multiple occasions for the past three months.

"Fandral?" Loki said, cutting off whatever the clumsy smurf was saying.

Fandral internally shivered at the sound of his name sounding on Loki's lips. He couldn't help it. Just because Loki seemed to realize nothing of his feelings towards him didn't make them any less strong.

"What is it?" Fandral said, turning his head to see Loki's face which looked deep in thought.

"I wanted to ask you something. Two things, actually," Loki said after a moment.

Fandral sat up straighter, pausing the TV so he could give Loki his full attention. "Of course. Anything."

Loki looked at him, reaching out his hands and taking Fandral's, squeezing three times. Loki had explained to him that touch helped him, helped ground him. The touch of another person kept him in reality so he was constantly grabbing for Fandral's hand.

He had done it to the others even, Fandral had seen. Even the archer who seemed reluctant to be around Loki, had allowed the god to hold his hand tightly through a panic attack until Fandral had gotten there to take over.

"I want you to answer...truthfully," Loki said, his voice breaking just slightly. Even though his mind was healing, it was still hard at times for Loki to grasp at reality. The breakage in his voice would be whenever he was too deep in thought to concentrate on the conversation at hand or whenever his mind slipped away from reality. "I've been lied to before, so much in my lifetime. I will be able to tell if you do. I need a truthful answer."

Fandral swallowed. "I would never lie to you."

Loki looked his face over for a moment longer before he asked his question that made Fandral's heart flip and his stomach drop at the same time. "Do you like me?"

Fandral breathing caught in his throat. "I..."

Loki's eyes went slightly wide and even though Fandral hadn't confirmed or denied, he knew Loki could see the answer in his eyes. "You do," he breathed.

Fandral licked his suddenly dry lips. "I-I do, yes."

Loki stared at Fandral before he looked away quickly as if afraid of looking too long at the sun. "I suspected...I guessed you might but...I never thought it was possible for you...for someone like you to like someone like me."

Fandral let out a slow breath. His grip on Loki's hand tightened slightly. "Do you...do you like me also?"

Loki looked up. His green eyes were filled with hesitation and fear. "If I said no...would you leave?"

Fandral's heart dropped. He knew it was foolish, knew Loki didn't like him like that. But people in love were always foolish at times. Fandral was one of those foolish people now. But he wouldn't let the crushing weight on his chest get to him.

"I would not leave you. I could never leave you," Fandral admitted. "I will not push my affections on you if you do not want it. I am not angry. It is your choice to be with who you wish. I will still be your friend, if i can be."

Loki took a shuddering breath. "Would you hurt me? If I said I do not share your feelings would you hurt me? Cause me pain the way it causes you pain to not be with me?"

Fandral was already shaking his head before Loki had finished. "Loki, I would never. Surely you must know that. I would never harm you, never lay a hand on you with intentions to hurt you."

Loki searched his face, green eyes so fearful, so hesitant with a deep set of hurt it made Fandral's heart ache for him.

Loki squeezed Fandral's hand hard as tears slipped free, falling down his cheeks. Fandral very gently brushed them away with his free hand, shushing Loki softly, whispering soothingly as he did whenever Loki cried.

Loki held out his arms and Fandral pulled Loki to him, holding him close. He brushed Loki hair back with his hand, still holding the other one tightly with Loki's. He would never let Loki go, would never let Loki be alone.

It was when he felt lips against his own that he froze. They were warm, soft, but hesitant also. Unsure.

Fandral put his hand to Loki's cheek, drawing him a bit closer, kissing back. What else was he to do? It seemed to urge Loki on, kissing more instantly, becoming more relaxed in Fandral's embrace.

He finally drew back, Fandral holding back a whine of protest as he looked up at Loki who's eyes shined brightly, his emotions open in them.

"You do like me," Fandral stated, shocked.

Loki smirked. "If only you could see the expression on your face," he said before growing serious. "I want to try this. To be with you. I want to see where it might lead. But I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to be hurt for not sharing the feelings you have for me."

Fandral took Loki's face between his hands, gently, tenderly kissing him before looking him in the eyes. "Wherever this may lead I swear, no harm will come to you by my hand."

Loki looked both relieved and worried. But the relief seemed to outweigh the worry as he kissed Fandral lightly on the lips once more.

"I wish to tell you about him...about Samael. What he did...and what happened to him," Loki said softly, hesitantly. "If you are willing to listen..."

Fandral swallowed but nodded determinedly. "I'm listening."


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: character death, murder, strong violence⚠️

_"Help me."_

_The plea was so desperate. Samael's eyes were filled with tears, running down his cheeks and dripping onto the body in front_ _of_ _him,_ _mixing_ _with_ _the blood splattered all over it._

 _Loki's gaze was pained as he looked at the person who had once been his best_ _friend_ _. What had happened? Why couldn't_ _they_ _go back to those times?_

 _But there was no reversing this. Nothing could_ _bring_ _back the dead. Someone would find out. Samael would be trailed and executed for kin_ _murder_ _._

 _"Sammy,_ _I_ _don't know_ _what_ _you_ _expect me to_ _do. I cannot bring back the dead," Loki said, shaking his head. "If you_ _come_ _with me quickly_ _I_ _can hide you. I could_ _even_ _say_ _you_ _were with me_ _the_ _night_ _he died. But we cannot remain_ _here_ _. Samael, do you understand? We must go."_

 _Samael's_ _eyes_ _were so open, so full of emotions and yet, so unreadable. The swirl of emotions made it hard to get a grasp on_ _what he_ _was thinking._

 _"I just wanted him to stop touching me. That's all. I_ _didn't_ _..._ _I_ _didn't_ _mean_ _to_ _..._ _I_ _didn't_ _want this. I_ _didn't_ _!_ _I just..._ _I_ _just_ _wanted_ _him_ _to_ _stop_ _touching_ _," Samael_ _said_ _,_ _shaking_ _more violently, a violent sob tearing from_ _his_ _throat. The grip on Loki's hand that he had was_ _becoming_ _painful_ _._

" _I do not blame you," Loki said, though he refused to look at the dead body, at the death Samael had caused. But it wasn't his fault. Not really. The man deserved death. After the horrific things he had done this is what Loki called mercy. But Samael obviously didn't think so. "Please, Samael, I have to get you out of here. You cannot remain and I cannot leave you here."_

_Samael shook his head, letting Loki's hand go which was now streaked with red liquid in the shape of Samael's fingers. "I cannot leave. I c-can't. I can't._ _I—"_

_"Samael,_ please _!" Loki pleaded. "You have to leave with me. I_ _cannot_ _leave_ _here_ _without_ _you._ _You'll_ _be found and punished and..._ _and_ _killed. Please, Sammy."_

 _Samael hands_ _were_ _still shaking. Loki had never seen him in such a vulnerable state before which was shocking considering_ _the_ _situation. Samael had killed his own Father and he now looked more open and vulnerable_ _than_ _he_ _ever_ _had_ _before_ _._

 _Samael hands shook as he reached beside him, taking something up in his hands. Loki's_ _eyes_ _went wide_ _when_ _he saw what it was._

_A dagger._

_Loki's_ _heart_ _stopped staring at_ _it_ _. Blood covered it. The blade, the handle. Samael's Father's_ _blood_ _. The weapon Samael had used to murder him._ _Samael held it by the blade_ _which_ _dug into his skin, making it bleed._

 _Loki flinched as Samael held it up, half worried Samael's mood would flip and he_ _would_ _attack Loki. But Samael only held the dagger out to Loki, handle_ _first_ _, for him to take. Loki stared at_ _it_ _, not_ _wanting_ _to touch the_ _bloodied_ _object but_ _still_ _he reached out and_ _took_ _the handle, more blood coating his hand._

 _Samael looked at the dagger in Loki's hand,_ _eyes_ _still_ _unreadable_ _while portraying a thousand_ _emotions_ _shifting_ _in those grey eyes. "The heart. I want it to be the heart. It always aches. This_ _wouldn't_ _make it all that_ _much_ _worse, would it?"_

 _"Sammy_ —"

 _"Don't_ _call_ _me that," Samael said quickly. "That was a name for a_ _boy_ _who hadn't yet_ _discovered_ _the pain of life. A boy who would never cause others that pain. That isn't me. Don't taint his memory by calling me_ _that_ _name. Sammy was_ _your_ _friend_. _I am not him."_

 _Loki swallowed but nodded. Samael was_ _right_ _, of course. Sammy was a friend. This person in front of_ _him_ _? Loki_ _didn't_ _know who he was._

_"The heart," Samael repeated._

_Loki shook his_ _head_ _. "Samael...I do not_ _understand_ _what you_ _want_ _me to do."_

 _Samael looked_ _up_ _at him, his face pained. "Yes,_ _you_ _do."_

_Loki felt tears prick his eyes. "I can't."_

_"You can," Samael said in a whisper. "I am a coward, Loki. I need you to end this before_ _I_ _hurt more people. Please,_ _I_ _beg you. End it before it ever begins."_

'It's already begun,' _Loki thought. But he understood. Of course he did. He knew what Samael was asking. He just didn't know if he could. How could he do something so cold, so cruel, so heartless to the person who had once been his best friend?_

 _"It's not a cruelty, Loki," Samael promised him and_ _Loki_ _could_ _only_ _wonder_ _how Samael knew_ _what_ _he_ _was_ _thinking. "It's mercy."_

 _Loki swallowed hard as the tears fell. Samael stood, walking around the corpse before kneeling down in front of Loki. He reached out, brushing the_ _tears_ _away and_ _leaving_ _a_ _smear_ _of blood_ _instead_ _across Loki's cheek. He took Loki's hand clutching the dagger in his own shaky one, raising_ _it_ _and placing_ _the_ _point over his_ _heart_ _._

 _"Please, Samael._ _Please_ _, let me help you. Let me_ _save_ _you. Come with me. I-I can help you,"_ _Loki_ _promised, his voice cracking in desperation, guilt and fear eating_ _it's way_ _inside him, into his voice, in his eyes. It was all he had to save his friend._

 _Samael smiled now. A sad, pained smile._ _"I am beyond_ _saving_ _. I cannot be saved. You cannot help me. I wish..._ _I_ _wish_ _it_ _wasn't_ _you. But_ _I_ _know you will. I know you_ _will_ _." Fresh tears fell down Samael's blood streaked face. "If you...if you ever held any kind of care, any love for me at all...end me."_

 _Loki_ _sobbed_ _,_ _pressing_ _the dagger against Samael's chest,_ _piercing_ _through the shirt. "_ _N-never...never doubt that_ _I_ _l-love you."_

_Samael took a shuddering breath as the point pressed to his skin. "Just answer me one thing."_

_Loki_ _paused_ _,_ _looking up_ _at the raw pain on Samael's face. "Anything."_

 _Samael met Loki's eyes, green and grey, for possibly the last time. "Was it..." Samael took a shuddering breath. "Is it_ _madness_ _? Loving you?"_

 _Loki's hands shook badly as he_ _answered_ _. "I-it is. But that's...that's love, Samael. Love drives some_ _people to_ _m-madness_ _when_ _that love is not r-returned in the way you wish."_

 _Samael closed his eyes now,_ _nodding_ _as if_ _satisfied_ _with_ _the answer. The fight seemed to completely go_ _out_ _of him, all the_ _tension_ _, all the fear. "Then my love is madness. But it_ _doesn't_ _matter_ _. I love you, Loki."_

 _Loki's heart seemed to shatter into_ _pieces_ _he knew he would never be able to fix. "I love you too, Sammy."_

 _Because that was who he loved._ _He_ _loved Sammy. The boy he knew. He did not love Samael. Not now, not ever._

 _With a forced, violent thrust of his_ _hands_ _, he drove the dagger forward,_ _straight_ _through Samael's chest and pierced what was_ _left_ _of his heart._

 _Samael's eyes flew wide as_ _he_ _choked, gasping for breath as blood filled his_ _punctured_ _lung. He collasped forward and Loki caught_ _him_ _in his arms,_ _holding_ _him close to him._

 _A million_ _emotion_ _ran through Samael's eyes as he looked up at Loki,_ _coughing_ _up blood. "I-I s-so-sorr—"_

_Samael never finished._

_Raw pain erupted in Loki's chest as he_ _stared_ _at Samael's glassy eyes, blood_ _dribbling_ _from_ _his mouth, chest_ _creasing_ _to rise and fall, the dagger_ _sticking_ _from his chest._

 _Loki felt_ _the_ _pain_ _rise up inside himself and he let loose a_ _scream_ _of misery._


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ⚠️Warning: strong language⚠️

Loki had fallen asleep out of exhaustion. He lay against Fandral on the bed, head nestled into Fandral's neck who held him around the waist, running a soothing hand down Loki's side as he slept.

Loki had told Fandral everything. The friendship, the kiss, the abuse, the...the rape, the murder...

It made Fandral feel sick. He knew now who Samael was. He remembers the cell, the illusions Loki had cast during his insanity. He knew now the illusion of the guy with gray eyes was Samael. Loki had been right. He had met him once before, the same day Thor had met him also. But he never thought that boy would cause so much harm.

But then again, that boy never did hurt Loki. Sammy was who was Loki's friend, the one that protected Loki from whatever the world threw at him. Sammy was the one who would have done anything for Loki, even given his life for him.

It was Samael who had hurt Loki. Mentally, emotionally and definitely physically. Fandral agreed with Thor. He was glad Samael was dead. But he wished he hadn't been killed by Loki's hand. It had scarred Loki for life.

Fandral understood now, Loki's hesitancy at being with him. After something like that...Loki must have been terrified of losing someone else close to him. Worse, having to kill that person also. He was afraid now of people loving him, afraid they would hurt him if he didn't love them back.

It was this that made Fandral worry. Did Loki only say yes because he was afraid Fandral would hurt him if he said no?

But Fandral would never become that person. Would never be like Samael. He was better than that. Far better than that. He would protect Loki until his last dying breath. Like Sammy would have before he became what he did.

Fandral held onto Loki tighter, glaring around the room as if daring the furniture to try and harm Loki.

It wasn't long before exhaustion took him also into slumber.

* * *

When Fandral woke, Loki was already up. He was dressed in only shorts and one of Fandral's shirts. Or not really Fandral's. One of the shirts bought for him by that Tony Stark. But he considered it his and smiled at how it looked on Loki.

Loki was still thin. For too thin. But he was improving bit by bit and that was all Fandral really worried about.

Fandral got up, slipping his hands into Loki's from behind, kissing his cheek and whispering "good morning" into his ear. Loki had shivered, turning in Fandral's arm to lean up and kiss him lightly on the lips, murmuring his own greeting.

"Breakfast?" Fandral suggested. "Surely you're hungry?"

"Famished," Loki agreed as Fandral tugged his hand, leading him out of their bedroom door and down the long hall.

They took the elevator down to the main floor where Fandral knew the Captain would be cooking breakfast. Steve always got up early to cook for the team, Sif, Fandral and Loki added to that addition now that they lived in the Tower.

"So, when are you planning to tell Thor of this?" Loki asked, squeezing Fandral's hand gently.

Fandral turned slightly pale. "I'm...um...w-working up to it?" He gulped.

Loki chuckled as the elevator door opened and quickly dropped Fandral's hand as the pair walked over to the kitchen where the smell of cooking food was evident in the air.

Tony already sat at the table, digging into a huge stack of pancakes. Steve kept a haphazard eye on the genius as he practically inhaled the food. "Chew, Tony. You're going to choke."

Tony rolled his eyes before catching sight of Loki and Fandral walking over and grinned cheerfully as he swallowed his mouthful of pancakes with difficulty. "Hey! What's up you Norse deities? Anything interesting?"

"You're up early," Loki said, ignoring the question completely.

Tony laughed. "Bit hard to be up early if you never went to sleep at all."

Fandral could see what he meant. There were dark bags under the man's eyes and Fandral had a suspicion that the mug beside Tony was filled with what mortals called coffee that apparently was a potion that kept them awake through the night.

"How ya feeling, Lo?" Tony asked, using the nickname Tony used when he was talking to Loki and was feeling concerned. Sure, he spoke in a tone that suggested playfulness, but his eyes told the truth. He was worried for Loki.

Fandral was too. It was obvious Loki hadn't recovered from their talk last night. But Loki was a good actor and only smiled at Tony. "Do not fret, Stark. I'm perfectly fine. Just need something to eat."

Fandral could tell that Tony wasn't convinced but the genius never pushed, knowing that Loki would talk if he wanted to talk. "Well, you're in luck. Stevey made pancakes. The breakfast worthy of gods."

Steve blushed at the compliment. "It's not that great, Tony. It's only food."

"I believe Stark is correct," Loki said as he sat on a free stool, Fandral sitting beside him as Steve set a plate of pancakes in front of each of them. "Stevens cooking would most definitely rival the ones of Asgardian cooks."

Steve blush deepened so much he looked like a tomato as he stuttered out a thanks, turning quickly back to his cooking.

"How come you call him by his first name but not me?" Tony complained with a pout.

"You have not yet earnt my respect," Loki said with a teasing smirk.

Fandral frowned. Was Loki...flirting? But, no. Loki wouldn't do that. He was overanalyzing this. He shook his head, quickly shoving pancakes in his mouth before he spoke up and said something he'd regret.

"Morning, boys," a female voice said from behind them. Fandral turned to see Sif and Thor who gave him a wide smile. Fandral smiled back before remembering Loki's words in the elevator and wondering what Thor would do to him when Fandral finally told him he was dating his little Brother.

Suddenly his pancakes didn't taste so good as Fandral's stomach churned at the multiple possibilities at how that would go.

Thor put a hand on Loki's back, giving Loki a soft smile when the younger god looked up at him. "How are you feeling today, Brother?"

Loki nodded. "I feel well," he said, giving Thor a reassuring smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. Thor didn't seem to notice, taking the answer as it was as he turned to Steve with puppy eyes for the 'pan of cake' as Thor called it.

"It's almost ready, Thor," Steve said without turning to look at the Thunder god.

"Yeah, sit down, Thunder Thighs. You're making me antsy," Tony quipped making Loki smirk into the milk Steve had just handed him. "Anywho, I've gotta get some stuff done in the lab. So, if you need me, I'll be there. A good tip. Don't need me. See y'all. Loki," he nodded at said man with a wink. Loki blushed, looking away quickly.

Fandral swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. He wouldn't let his thoughts get to him. Loki didn't like Tony. Sure, the genius has helped Loki. Quite a bit more than Fandral wanted to admit. Tony had given Loki things to do in his workshop when his mind wasn't completely there. Tasks that involved no risk to Loki but were still complicated enough to challenge Loki's mind, healing the fractured parts of it.

But that didn't mean Loki liked him, right? Tony flirted with just about anyone. By Asgard, he had even flirted on Fandral himself a couple times. But Fandral, despite the mortal's looks and charm, would never act on it. He had Loki. Loki was what he wanted.

He glanced at Loki now who seemed to have recovered from his blush, his cheeks pale once more as he continued to eat. He did not look at Fandral once though he continued to speak to him throughout the breakfast.

Fandral told himself he was being ridiculous. Loki was with him, even if it was by accident as Fandral liked to tell himself. Loki loved him. Or at least, liked Fandral. He was giving Fandral a chance to not hurt him the way Samael had.

It was absurd. Loki didn't like Stark. Fandral was being stupid, right? Yes, of course. It was just simple jealousy. It happened no matter how much people denied it. It was just another useless emotion. It didn't mean anything. He only felt jealous because he didn't want to lose what he now had with Loki.

That wasn't madness, was it?

**The End.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just kidding! There's a second book "Is Our Love Madness?" Go check it out!


End file.
